6w4d

I admit it, I'm scared for tomorrow's appointment. I'm scared they still won't be able to find the heartbeat again and Poppy will become less of a Poppy and more of a 'tragedy'. I've been holding my tears today in fears he would feel his mother crying, I've been staring to the sky today asking my grandparents for help, I've been praying to a God I don't know is out there, but doing it because it feels safe and comforting. I'm trying my best to hold on to a faith I feel I've lost in my weakest moments.

I'm scared to do the walk my husband and I have done 100 times before, out of the car, straight through the 40 or so feet of parking lot, down the five steps, turn right, then a left through the double doors, pee in the bathroom, then into the fertility clinic.

It's quite a routine of ours now, we probably have 40 or so videos of us making that trek, tomorrow we'll make another one. Hopefully one of the last we'll have to make....

My husband has been wonderful throughout this entire experience, and has really kept us going in these moments. He's definitely the stronger of the two of us when heartbreak strikes. Me? I like to sit in the shower with the hot water blinding me and zone out. Seems like tears blend in the shower and make everything less real.

I've been trying to keep optimistic these past three days, but I've always been of the 'prepare for the worst' mindset as to not feel Total Disappointment the day of something.

Wish us luck, all.