Medications Arrived

Well, all my IVF meds arrived today in a big brown box. I was excited to open it and we broke out the video camera to capture the event.

Sitting in my pink pajamas talking to the camera, I pulled out box by box by box, and then needles and more needles and more everything. I couldn't help it and broke into tears. It's so overwhelming. I know once I get the habit of all of this I will look back and chuckle at my naivete, but right now I have much fear.

Fear about the injections, the pain, the sense of mortality, the hassle, the hormones, the emotions, the needles, the bruises, the what if I don't do it rights, the what if he doesn't do it rights, it all hit me at once and I wept. All I could muster to say was "I'm scared."

Because I am, I'm scared of this process though I know I will proceed with it, I'm scared of becoming pregnant and scared of losing that pregnancy, I'm scared of becoming a mother and not being a good enough mother, I'm so very conscious of the transition my life is in right now that it feels like the emotions will just bubble right out of me. The fertility acupuncture treatments help to relax me but they are still more appointments, more 45 minutes drives, more being social when I feel everything but social, sometimes this process is so overwhelming it just feels like a battle.

When I have more resources, I can plow through this without blinking, with a steel and stoic face, only focusing on the goal. But it's times like this that I have to take a step back and remind myself of why I'm doing this. The goal is not just to get through the injections. The goal is not to be avoid being crazy under the hormones. The goal is not just to get pregnant. The goal is to create our child. To be able to feel our children in my womb, to combine the love for my husband and create a being of our own, parent that being with love and all the experience we have in the hopes he or she will be loving and happy. There are so many moments waiting for us out there, that ultimately this will be only a blip on the radar, but damn if this isn't a mission.



A picture of the meds that arrived today:



The pharmacy also let me know they made an "oopsie"and rather than $1085 for my meds, it was actually $2,322. Yeah, oopsie! :-)