9dp5dt

You thought I caved yesterday? I took three more HPTs today, all different kinds. :-)

The lines are strikingly darker, I'm feeling so positive about tomorrow!!! Our appointment is at 8:30 in the morning and they said they would call me within 4 hours. I've never felt so positive before!!

I can't wait to stop being in this constant period of waiting, and instead start focusing on the things to come. This is the most positive I've been since having started my cycle, and I just *know* I will come back to this blog tomorrow with a big "I'm pregnant, it's official!"

BabyCenter sent me an update today on Poppy:

Your pregnancy: 4 weeks

This week marks the beginning of the embryonic period. From now until ten weeks, all of your baby's organs will begin to develop and some will even begin to function. As a result, this is the time when she'll be most vulnerable to anything that might interfere with her development.

Right now your baby is an embryo the size of a poppy seed, consisting of two layers: the epiblast and the hypoblast, from which all of her organs and body parts will develop.

Imagining a poppy seed growing organs makes me giggle. Stay tuned!!

8dp5dt

Ok, I admit it. I caved and took another HPT.

Still pregnant!!!!!!!



sqqqqqqqqqqqqqquuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

8dp5dt

I didn't test this morning although it was very tempting. I thought to myself "maybe just a digital" and then remembered the trauma of yesterday morning and held out. What a strong will! I realize now that the line wasn't actually lighter yesterday and I feel a little foolish for having such a freak out. On the "cheapie cheapie" tests (which is what I call these kind of tests) the line has progressively turned darker from 5d5pdt to 7dp5dt and the EPT ones looked exactly the same if not yesterday's being a darker line.

I look at yesterday as being a sign to me to STOP the insanity and surrender to the process until Thursday.

Another symptom? My boobs are getting bigger. Now, I'm a small girl to start with so any growth means "big" in my book. Normally before my period, my breasts would swell, but they would always be super tender and tight. This is different. They are tender, but squishy. More fuller around the rims, I can even see shadows in the mirror now. I will enjoy my new found boobs!

Only one full day left besides today and I will find out everything for sure. I just want the band-aid to be ripped off and the truth to be known. Until then, I’ll just keep munching my vegetables, drinking my water, taking my prenatals and being patient.

7dp5dt

Ok, so now I know why IVFers tell you not to pee on a stick (POAS). This morning I woke up and as part of my daily ritual lately, I peed on three sticks. All showed pregnant of course, but I jumped into my analytic work mode.

"Why isn't today's line darker than yesterday's line?"

"Is that thinner? It looks thinner? Do you think I'm losing the pregnancy?"

I burst into tears. Every time I come across something that feels it could threaten this pregnancy, my heart beats loudly in my chest, I feel light headed and there are stars in front of my face. It is a devastation I cannot describe.

Calling my husband into the bathroom to examine the tests, he unfortunately agreed with me, that yes, today's line was a teeny tiny lighter than yesterday's line. I took another test only 5 minutes later (where do I get this extra urine from???) and this test came out much better, much darker than the one I took minutes ago, but still not as perfect and dark as yesterday's line.

Sitting on the bathroom stool, I wept, staring at those bastard tests, wishing all of it would be over already. I'm so dramatic when these things occur. Searching frantically online, I see many people saying "Don't worry about the strength of the line, if there is a second line you are pregnant, period."

It seems like no information is good information, and now the only thing that will make feel better will be to hear my clinic say "Well, we have good news, your beta results came in as XXX".

As long as they say that, I will stop worrying so much that this will be a failed pregnancy. Man, I'd hate to have to be the lady that calls people with that news. Hopefully it will be my favorite Nurse S. who calls me with the news. She could make something bad sound not too bad. But I don't care who calls, just as long as it's good news.

So, my husband and I agreed, no more peeing on sticks. It only serves to drive me absolutely batty and does nothing but make me worry and stress out even more. So as hard as it will be, I will let the next three days go by without even touching those devilish things. They are certainly good for confirming pregnant or not pregnant, but they SUCK when it comes to confirming that HCG levels are rising. I'm still feeling overly cautious. I feel foolish for even saying I'm pregnant until I get the confirmation from the doctor. So for now, little Poppy, you hang in there and keep multiplying and digging in.

I'm really scared folks. If I lost this pregnancy, I'll be crushed. Seriously crushed. Three days have never seemed so far away.

6dp5dt - yaaaaawn

Still pregnant. *grin*

Today's HPT results yielded darker lines (you know, on all 4 of the tests I took, seriously, I'm crazy). One of the biggest symptoms that is happening is I'm SOOOO tired. I started noticing this 3 days ago, but today really took it's toll. After waking up around 8am, I was ready for a nap around 1 and slept for another couple of hours. I feel like I just want to curl up in my bed for hours and stay there for a loooong time.

My beta test is four days away and I have good feelings about it. I'm really thinking this pregnancy is going to stick. (positive thinking, right?)

It's very confusing the way pregnancy is measured, basically by the time you find out your pregnant, you're usually 4 weeks along.

Snipped from a website to describe it:

"A woman's menstrual cycle is on average 28 days long. Using this 28-day average, fertilisation or conception normally occurs at around day 14 or the middle of your cycle (2 weeks after your last period and 2 weeks before your next period). Although (based on an average 28-day cycle) conception is likely to occur on day 14 of your cycle; the start of your pregnancy is actually calculated from the start date of your last menstrual period (LMP), or day 1 of your cycle.

Given this method of calculation, your pregnancy is measured in what is termed gestational weeks, as opposed to being measured from the actual day of conception. Counting from the first day of your LMP, there are 40 gestational weeks of pregnancy. Assuming that you have a 28-day cycle, in gestational weeks 1 and 2, your baby is waiting to be conceived. On day 14,and at the start of gestational week 3, your baby has just been created. By the end of gestational week 3, the actual age of your baby is one week."

So based on this IVF calculator, I am 3 weeks and 4 days along in my pregnancy. If all goes well, my "due date" is around October 22, 2008.

But I won't get too ahead of myself just yet. M and I have both taken off work on Thursday so that we will both go into the doctor's appt and we will both be home to recieve "the call". As with everything so far, we've video taped every step along the way, including the failed vasectomy reversal. When that phone rings, we're turning on the camera, putting the phone on speaker and bracing ourselves. For good or for bad, we want to capture it all.

Again, I have good feelings about this pregnancy and I'm not gonna let it get me down. I certainly won't be broadcasting anything to anyone anytime soon (except to family) but I am ready to be out of the dreaded waiting period. I'm ready to start thinking about the 'normal' things women think about when pregnant, like baby clothes, slings, diapers, creating a nursery....all of that.

I return to work tomorrow and besides this lethargy, I look forward to being distracted and focused on something other than Poppy. *snicker* Oh yeah, because the little blastocyst is the size of a poppy seed, I've decided to call it 'Poppy' for now. (talk about not getting ahead of myself!)

Alright, off to bed early for me. I'm sooooo tired.

5dp5dt

Yeah, that's right folks, it says "Pregnant".

After saying "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" one hundred and fifteen times, I finally let it sink in.

As part of my morning routine, I sipped my coffee and peed on a stick. I set the stick next to my bed on my night stand and called my mom to help her with some online banking stuff. A couple minutes into the conversation, I glance over at the stick and instead of seeing snow white, I see a small glimmer of a second line.

"Uh, mom. Can you hold on a second?"

I took the stick and went into the bathroom turning on all the lights. Sure enough, a very, very faint second line.

No way, I thought. Somehow, I was able to pee again (by the grace of god, don't ask me how) and this time I used one of those expensive digital tests. I had peed on one of the digital tests 3 days ago to see if my HCG trigger shot was out of my system, and it flashed a big "Not Pregnant" across the screen.

Well, this time? I counted the hour glass blinking, 20 times and a fat "Pregnant" appeared on the screen.

No effin way, I thought!

Running down to show M, he was surprised and yet still cautious and we did our omgs and hugged each other. I still can't believe it yet, just no way.

Since I'm only 5dp5dt, I'm gonna contain my excitement for now. If I wake up tomorrow, and I have another line, I'm not gonna contain my excitement.

Ultimately, my beta test on Thursday will tell me if the pregnancy is viable, so Thursday will be the celebration day if it pans out.

But for now, I'll bask in the glow of newness and keep my fingers crossed.

*screeeeammmm!*

4dp5dt

Not much to report 'round these parts so I'll make it quick.

I caved and took an HPT yesterday and today, both negative. Which, of course is expected, but I am of a weak will and those little pee sticks called my name. "Come to us, pee on us" they said. I obliged. Cause that's the kinda girl I am.

Today I peed on one and jumped into the shower. I knew when I stepped out and looked at it that it would be snow white. When my expectations were met and indeed it was snow white without any hope of a line, I said 'damn' silently to myself and dropped it into the trash. I pushed it deep into the trash, as though somehow it would jinx future tests or something. I also didn't want to see it staring back at me the next time I threw something away.

I asked for this, so I can't get too upset too early. It's about 3 days too early to really get solid results, but I balance not knowing and knowing, and knowing always wins. I suppose if I were a veteran at this if it would be different. I read something really funny (or not so funny really) on an IVF Veteran forum (those who have gone through IVF 4+ times) and a woman said:

"You know you're an IVF veteran when you get your negative beta results while at the liquor store."

Made me chuckle anyway. I'm not holding my belly any longer, and I'm feeling a little more cautious about the whole she-bang. I know a lot of women are of the approach "I'm just gonna say I'm pregnant til proven wrong", well now I'm in the mindset of "I don't know if this is going to work, so I need to prepare for it not to" mindset. I suppose the first days were the honeymoon phase where it's just neat to think that you have a creature in your belly. And the newness of all of that. But now? Now, I'm ready to carry on in life and go back to work, and find some distractions to get my mind of this little guy or girl.

Someone from school pinged me on IM today and said he had a dream about me, that I came to class with a "big ole belly". I love it when people have dreams like that. I believe deeply in the supernatural and flowing energy between people and these things only give me more hope. Even if it's not this cycle, it will be one cycle.

I've got to think of this as a process. This is not a yes or no moment for us. Each cycle is approximately $12,000 and we are blessed to have insurance pay for this first cycle, it will be out of pocket if we do a second cycle, but I'm blessed we will be able to do that as well. Can you tell I'm preparing myself for a failure? I'm protecting my heart, you know.

On the symptoms front, the past two days I have experienced some lethargy. Yawning at the strangest moments, feeling like I need little cat naps here and there, feeling a little spacy. Yesterday I felt some strong cramping and stabbing pains in my uterus, but today not so much. Maybe he implanted yesterday? If so, the HCG hormone would start producing in a couple days.

If I don't get a positive line by Monday, well, then, I think we should hold off on the cause for celebration. I think I'll wait until I get home from work because if it's negative, I'll be a sad girl throughout the day, and my work requires me to be "on" for at least 5-8 hours. I have several meetings already booked for Monday and have been off for two weeks now. I'll definitely wait until I get home.

I am becoming enlightened in this process. I love speaking to other women who are going through the same thing, I love even more to help them, inform them, encourage them, challenge their way of thinking. I love women, period. Such wonderful creatures we are....

My boobs aren't sore, the nausea has tapered down a bit (except last night's spaghetti grew fangs and dared me to eat it), I didn't take the dare and instead nibbled on bread. I'm down to 111 pounds from 117 but I think 6 of those pounds were my eggs. That's a joke.

I "met" this woman Paty online who is going through an IVF cycle, she also has a blog and on that blog is this amazing song that I listen to probably 5 times a day. It really touches me and is often just what I need to release my tears and frustration of the day. It's called "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush and I'll list the lyrics below. It just makes sense. (Thanks, Paty!)

This Woman's Work

Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.

I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.

Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.

I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things we should've said,
That were never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.


So much for quick. :-) That's it for tonight.

3dp5dt

Today I woke up feeling strangely normal. I don't know why but this makes me pessimistic. Yesterday, I felt several uterine cramps, was generally uncomfortable but felt 'pregnant'. Today, not so much. :-(

I've been researching the hell out of HCG levels in one's first beta test (beta test is the blood test at the docs) and I found an incredible site that gathers data from other women in the same position.

85% of normal pregnancies will have the HCG level double every 72 hours. The unfortunate thing is depending on which site you go to, you will get different information as far as what your HCG levels "should be".

"Ovulation" is considered the same day as egg retrieval, thus I would be "15 days past ovulation" when I take my beta test on Thursday.

Here are a couple of charts for singleton pregnancies: (click for a bigger picture)





Basically, it looks like I should be aiming for an HCG level of 100-300. This comes with the caveat that this is the standard, not the exception. There have been women who have had low beta numbers and went on to carry successful pregnancies, however oftentimes low beta numbers mean the pregnancy is about to fail.

Today is a non-emotional day. I feel bad for being a Negative Nancy, but I suppose not all days can be sugar-coated. I think I'm starting to protect myself and prepare for a failure.

I'm looking forward to the distraction of taking my final exam today for school. I'm looking forward to thinking of something other than the little creature in my belly.

And damn if I'm not looking forward to some Mexican food tonight!

2dp5dt

Two days past a five day transfer. 2dp5dt - this is the type of lingo IVFers use when describing what stage of the 2ww they are in. 2ww - stands for "two week wait" which really isn't two weeks from the transfer, but rather two weeks from the egg retrieval.

The day coming home from the transfer was surreal. Where I never have before, I was now conscious of anything I was ingesting from pain medication like aleve to food. (Apparently, Tylenol is the only safe thing to take, pregnancy included.)

That day I also stopped the PIO injections and moved on to a progesterone vaginal suppository 3 times a day. Yeah, you heard me three times a day. Apparently, i will continue those suppositories until my 10th week of pregnancy and stop them if our little embryo doesn't "stick".

The problem with supplementing progesterone is it gives you all the same symptoms that you would have if you were pregnant. For example, I have been nauseous as hell since I came home from the transfer. Food smells differently to me, food tastes differently right now, and I have big aversions to food like Krispy Kreme donuts. My wonderful husband brought home KK donuts the day of transfer and I took one bite and had to hold in my vomit.

Ugh. Then last night we went to our favorite pizza place and the ceaser salad tasted way too potent and my slice of pizza seemed to stare at with me a death glare and take me on a roller coaster fifty times. needless to say, I passed the slice to M. (except when we walked out of the pizza place I wanted Mexican food! I wanted chips and cheese, mmmmmm!)

The other kick in the ass (and I promise I'll get to the less negative things in a moment) is from day of transfer until this morning (3 days) I've woken up in the middle of the night with the WORST headache. The kind of headache that makes you crawl to the shower and sit under the hot water for a half an hour. I don't know if I have a crick in my neck, if it's the meds or what, but M promised he'd work on my neck and shoulders tonight to see if I can prevent another one tonight.

Ok, negative shit over. Now it's time to talk about my emotions.

I know it's silly to get my hopes up right now, I know there is a 50% chance our little guy will pass on - but I can't help feeling such a bond with this little creature. I touch my belly and I swear I feel this closeness, even if it is psychological, I feel a closeness and a comfort I cannot describe.

Yesterday I was doing the dishes and staring to the ocean (we live close to the water) and the wind was blowing just right, the birds were flying in the sky, I had Deep Forest's 'Sweet Lullaby' playing on my I-pod - I held my belly, closed my eyes and slowly swayed to the music. I was so happy. So thrilled to be here, so filled with hope.

I'm imagining our son our daughter going with us to the pizza place, or taking him to the zoo, I'm imagining family dinners at the table and breastfeeding my wonderful baby. I'm imagining the amazing grace and pain of childbirth and the miracle that all of this could end up as.

All of this is so overwhelming, that just writing it makes me shed tears. I want this so badly, probably more than anything else in my entire life, and the fact that it is completely out of my control is nervewracking. We only have hope, hope, hope.

From what I can glean, M is a little freaked out. While I'm holding my belly and talking to my 7 day old embryo, M doesn't want to do the same. He is afraid of getting attached to it, and then losing it. I know he is just as excited and happy as I am, but he doesn't want to 'humanize' the embryo yet because he's scared it will go away. I am too, and perhaps I will regret forming a bond so quickly, but I can't help it. It IS a human, it IS our baby, it IS a piece of us. And even if it does pass on, it was still with us for a brief period of time.

I've peed on enough pregnancy tests to now know the HCG hormone is out of my system so any detection of HCG from this point on will be coming from the baby, and not a previous injection. (For you IVFers out there, it left my system on Day 9.)

There is a big debate with IVF women, to pee or not to pee on a stick before your official doctor's pregnancy test. But come on. I'm a type A woman, there is no way I couldn't pee on a stick. That sounds like torture frankly, and plus I think it's important that M and I already know the results before we take the blood test.

And my official pregnancy test date? Valentine’s Day. That's right folks. You heard me right. Valentine's Day. So it's either going to be a very happy one, or a very sad one. We already made reservations for a nice steakhouse no matter the results, and I've taken the day off of work so I wouldn't have to deal with work people after finding out the results, good or bad.

So, on 2-14, I have an appointment at 8:30am and they said they would call me within 4 hours to tell me the results. When an embryo implants itself into a woman's womb, it begins emitting a hormone called HCG. Grocery store pregnancy tests also test for the same thing in a woman's urine, HCG but the amount of HCG usually has to exceed 25 or so for those tests to catch it. The blood test at the doctor's will determine exactly what my HCG levels are. The kicker here is, the embryo could have stuck, produced HCG and then died. The blood test will tell me if my HCG levels are "right on track" or not. If they are, I come in a few days later for another blood test and the levels should be doubling by then. If the levels have doubled appropriately, then I don't go back to the doctor until 7 weeks of pregnancy for my first ultrasound to see the heart beating.

If we make it that far, then that will be the last engagement with the fertility clinic and then it's off to find a midwife for the rest of the pregnancy. But I won't get too ahead of myself, even writing that feels far fetched and unrealistic. Like I don't want to jinx it or something.

As far as a HPT (HPT - home pregnancy test) - I think I can safely test about 7dp5dt. I've seen some women get positives as early as 5dp5dt but I think to be on the safe side, I should wait until at least Monday before testing. I don't know if I will be able to hold out this long, so we will see.

Otherwise I've been eating pineapple as instructed by my acupuncturist (it contains an enzyme bromelain that supposedly assists in implantation) and have generally been off my feet and avoiding stress as much as possible. I go back to work next Monday (working from home the next 3 days) and I'm sorta looking forward to that, to have human engagement again. I'm not looking forward to the questions of "Well, did it work?" and such, but I've decided my answer will be "Just don't know yet".

*deep breath*

M has been so good to me throughout this entire cycle, it's been such a blessing to have him by my side through all of this. So today is another day, and I just may perhaps dance again when I do the dishes in a couple hours.

Because although it may be in vain, maybe one day I can tell our son or daughter how I held them by putting my hand on my belly, looking to the water and just hoped. Hoped. Hoped. Hope. Hoping. Hope.

CD 19 - ET Over!

Wow.

We're here. It's over.

Our little baby blast made it's way to momma's home at 1:38pm today. It was a perfect blast, Grade AA, and they were able to freeze another one. They said there is one more growing that might also make it to freezing which would be awesome, totally awesome.

I did the acupuncture treatment prior to the transfer and that was relaxing. I kept having to pee throughout the entire experience which again, was excruciating but I dealt with it ok.

After the acunpuncture, M came into the room with me and dressed in dark blue scrubs. He looked so handsome and doctor like! I put on my own booties and headcovering and Dr. O came peeked his head into the room and said "It's good, it all looks good!" He said he'd be right back but because we hadn't heard about our embryos since Day 3, he wanted to let us know as soon as possible.

A couple minutes later Dr. O and Dr. W came in and showed us the most beautiful picture of our double A blastocyst. I started crying, it was beautiful. In it's cell gooey goodness, it was there - a piece of M, a piece of me, our child was there in front of me - "Your first baby picture!" said the docs.

He explained that we definitely made the right decision to go to a day 5 and congratulated us on the decision. "You made a really good call, folks. Great job."

Ahhhh, how rewarding. All the obsessive research pays off. After signing papers that said we did indeed want to transfer the little one over, they took me to the operating room.

M video taped the whole thing! I don't know if they realized he was recording it all, but he did, and I will post it when we get it up and running. Again, I was in incredible pain with my overly full bladder. It was all I could to refrain from peeing all over myself so instead I tried to focus on one screw in the ceiling.

The embryologist came out and said she was going to turn on the camera so we could see our little embie on the big screen. There he/she was! In all it's glory, there was our little baby sitting there looking at us with a big smile. (Ok, so it wasn't really smiling but I can think so!)

In goes the catheter, and in went our little embryo. The embryologist takes the catheter back to the lab to make sure that it did indeed transfer and wasn't still in the tube, and it was definitely gone from the petri dish.

And then that was it! The nurse brought me a bed pan and I peed for what seemed like 10 minutes. They wheeled me into the recovery room where I had another acupuncture appointment (and again they had to bring me a bedpan in the middle of all this, I'm telling you I was peeing constantly.)

After the acupuncture appointment, they all said goodbye and sent us on our way! We ate a small lunch and now I'm propped up in bed.

I really, really hope this works. It was a very long journey getting here, but ultimately it's brought my husband and I even closer than we already were. I don't know what I would do without him.

And at last, a picture of our little guy or girl. Isn't he cuttttte?

CD 19 - Here we go! Transfer Day

30 minutes until we leave. Oh my god!

I'm so excited. What a plethora of emotions today.

I went and bought new comfy pants, comfy shirt, comfy socks and a comfy pull over sweater just so I could be SUPER comfy today.

The only Suck I have to look forward to is what I've been doing since 7am this morning and that's drinking tons of water. Because you have to have a full FULL FULL bladder for transfer, you have to continue to drink water.

Well last time I did this (for my mock transfer) I thought I was going to die. I was in an extreme amount of pain and discomfort, could barely focus on anything, and wanted NOTHING more than to pee.

Not all fertility clinics have this requriement, but having a full bladder during transfer makes it easier for the docs to see where the uterus is, and where to drop our little guy into place.

I can safely say driving home by myself having to pee more than I've ever had to pee, was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was sick, sweating, cramping, I couldn't even pull over to go a fast food restaurant, I drove like 70-80 to get home and then left the car door open and ran to the house as fast I could.

I can also safely say that is the first time that peeing in my pants in the car was not a bad idea. I keep drinking water, then taking short little tinkle breaks of about five seconds. Enough not to have the horrible pressure, but still know it's filling up.

Alright, time to dress in my new comfy clothes.

We're leaving two people, and coming back three! Ok, two and .005. :D

CD 18 - We're headed to a 5-day transfer!

I'm so excited and happy.

The embryologist called us at 11am like he said he would.

He had good news. He said six of my embryos are still surviving, including the two duds mentioned earlier. (my little duds, don't pick on my duds!)

He graded them as three perfect Grade A Embryos, 2 Grade B embryos and 1 B- or C.

This is incredible news!!! If it had been only ONE good one, we would have had to transfer today. If it were TWO good embryos, we would have to have decided on 1 or 2 and transferred today. If there were THREE good ones, we would have leaned towards a 5 day transfer, but the risk would be greater.

But we have three SUPERIOR embryos, and one GOOD one!! The doctor asked me the same question that I've heard ever since I decided to do my eSET and that is

"Would you rather have one failed cycle or twins?"

The answer has been (although the past 24 hours I've been wishy washy) that I would rather repeat another fresh IVF cycle, then have a twin pregnancy. And in the grand scheme of things, this is the truth. You know how when you go to a pet store and you see that cute little puppy? And there's nothing more in the world that you would rather do than take that little puppy home and love him and cuddle him?

But you know you already have a no pet policy on your rental, or two other dogs to take care of, and you know you really shouldn't do it. But oh wait, that puppy, look how cute it is and how quickly my needs would get met by taking this puppy home!

And I want nothing more than to get pregnant, and I know one day I will be. But it takes painful restraint not to increase my odds to have my needs immediately satisfied despite an overall undesirable long term outcome.

He said that because we're wanting a singleton, that he would recommend stretching these six to Day 5. He said he thought there would at least be one 5-day to transfer, and that yes it's a gamble, but a pretty decent one considering our results today.

So, we're waiting until Monday to see which one of the embryos is the "winner". If the other couple qualify, we can freeze them for future cycles.

It feels so good to have this decision made. Scary, but good. It was SUCH a relief that all four had survived, and that three were graded as "perfect" on Day 3. Thank god!!!

So now, I wait about 48 hours and then there's no turning back. I'm coming home with a belly full of embryo and ain't anyone stopping me!

Sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at the craziness.

Thank you for all of your love and kind words to all of my family and friends.

Here here to educating and advocating for oneself. It can be difficult, but it's so worth it.


Grow little babies, grow.

CD 18 - Transfer Day?

Oh my, my.

What a life we lead....to give an update from yesterday, our clinic knew we were not satisfied with the information we've been given thus far, and had their embrylogist call us so we can talk apples to apples.

While the discussion was informative, we're still in a place where we don't know what to decide. Dr. W said that sperm aspirated embryos tend not to do as well as ejaculated sperm created embryos. He said that the embryo would be better "housed" in my uterus than in a petri dish.

While I've heard that aspirated sperm doesn't freeze well, and often times has a lower fertilization rate, I've yet to come across anything that says that embryos from aspirated sperm don't often make it as long as embryos from ejaculated sperm.

So, the question is now: Do we transfer today or wait until Monday?

What I've read:
-Day 5 blasts give everyone a better idea on the "surviving/thriving" embryos
-Day 3 embryos placed back into the uterus, aren't really in their 'natural environment' because in a natural cycle, the embryo is still hanging out in the fallopian tubes at Day 3, not a uterus.
-It is possible for NO embryos to reach Day 5, there is controversy around whether or not this is because they would have died anyway, or if they would have done better in a more natural environment.

I unfortuantely (or fortunately) ran across this transcript online: http://www.sharedjourney.com/articles/3vs5.html

With the way this doctor talks, anything less than a 5 day transfer of one embryo and you're basically asking for a failure. Here are a couple of quotes:

"The primary reason embryos do not make it to the blastocyst stage is because they do not possess the necessary genetic instructions for continued growth. No one can change or improve the genetics of an embryo. Assuming the lab is competent (and most are), there is no "risk" associated with continuing to culture the embryos to the blastocyst stage."

"There are numerous reasons for continuing to perform day three transfers: its cheaper, its less work for the lab, lower liability because the lab has the embryos for a shorter period of time, everybody makes it to transfer, if the cycle doesn't result in a pregnancy, the program can still look good, etc. You'll notice I didn't say anything about a day 3 transfer improving your chances of getting pregnant - it doesn't. The reason programs continue to transfer day 3 embryos is because its more convenient for the lab and the docs."

This information conflicts with much of of what I've read, but it does seem to make the most logical sense. I mean if the embryo doesn't implant until Day 5 or 6, then what the hell do they do in there for 2 or 3 days? And how do you know you transferred one of the ones that would have eventually made it to a Day 5 blast?

This is all even more anxiety provoking when you're in the boat with us, and only want one baby. This wouldn't be such a tough decision if we were transferring many, but because we only want one, the decision of 3 day or 5 day is a significant one. My gut tells me 5 day, but if I stretch it out to 5 days and none of them survive, I will have gone through all of this for NOTHING. But does this mean that none of my embryos would have made it to the blast stage anyway? "The point of growing embryos to the blastocyst stage in the laboratory is to deliberately weed out the embryos that do not have the genetic potential for continued growth. The "risk" you speak of doesn't really exist. If they're gonna make it, they do. If they don't, they don't."

There's no data out there that will tell me one way or another.

So here I am, up early in the morning, on what could be my transfer day, and I'm surfing the thousands of websites for any tid bits of information that will give me better information to make this decision.

My clinic is good, but I cannot say they have OUR best interests in minds. Only we do.

At 11am today, the embryologist is calling back to discuss what the status of our remaining six embryos are. He indicated he thinks only 4 will make the cut, and then it's about seeing if we want to transfer one today or stretch it out to Monday.

He also seemed to infer transferring two on Day 3 would be a good idea, but this holds the same >55% twin rate as when I started this journey. I'm just not sure if I do a 3 day transfer, if I should do 1 or 2.

Why am I so scared of twins? Do I really need to have a reason? Why does this have to be beggars can't be choosers?

Another update when the decision has been made for today.

Wish us luck.

CD 17 - Update on the 8 embies

8 - 2 = 6.

Two of our eight embies have passed on.

6 - 2 = 4.

Two of our six embies are about to pass on.

We have four "nicely growing" embryos. This makes things a little tricky, especially when we are wanting to transfer one five day blastocyst as opposed to one or two 3 day embryos.

If we lose another one, or god forbid two, then a 3 day transfer is the only sane way to go, else we risk losing ALL of our embryos and having nothing to transfer.

If all four make it and are in great shape, do we risk bringing all four out to day five? 40% of all embryos make it to Day 5 and if I started with 8 then 40% would be almost 4 making it to day 5 but who the hell really believes statistics when it comes to life. (sigh)

I asked the IVF coordinator what "nicely growing embryos" meant in numbers. Did it mean they had reached 4 cells? 3 cells? 5 cells? I needed more information. I had to remind her that we were hoping to go to day 5 and that I felt we needed more information than we were getting.

The kicker of it all is, the "go or no go" decision is made tomorrow. Over the phone. I told her I didn't think we were prepared to make a decision over the phone and if anything we'd like to see pictures and understand grading of our embryos. I can feel myself being the totally aggressive patient, and my "womanly" ways feels guilty about this, but I know I have to take the reins of my own health and this is one of those times. This is not the moment to surrender.

She said she would call, or have someone call with another update today. It was ambiguous and I was confused. I called my favorite Nurse S and left her a message saying I wanted to talk to her and get some more information about the process that I'm going to experience tomorrow. M wants to join the conference call, so I will 3-way him in, it's just the last thing I want to worry about right now. Edit: They just called back - they're going to have the embryologist call me and talk to me and M. :D



I feel sad that my little embryos are kicking the bucket, I hope at least one stays around long enough to hang out for awhile.

CD 17 - Intramuscular injection (IM) Shots - Progesterone in Oil

So, as an IVFer, you always hear about the dreaded IM shots.

Let me define IM for you. IM stands for Intramuscular Injection. As in, no more baby shots in the stomach, those sub-Q shots that we take advantage of early on in the IVf cycle, these injections go into your muscle. They are an inch and a half long and the entire needle must go into your muscle in order for it to be effective.

Sounds terrifying, doesn't it? Well, I'm hear to debunk some false rumors. They really aren't that bad. Yes, they are a bit more of a pain in the ass than the sub-q shots, but they are basically the same thing, except in your butt, and it takes longer to push the meds through because the ingrediant is Progesterone in Oil (PIO), a thicker substance that takes longer to push all the way out.

You also hear about all of these tricks of the trade, to ice it first, to heat it first, to get Lidocain patches. All of it. Well, I got the Lidocain patches but they aren't that great, so I've resolved myself to ice and that works just fine. You ice the injection site for about two minutes, and you're good to go. Make sure your hubby massages the area for like 30 seconds afterwards to break up the medicine in your muscle. It feels good too, to have the area rubbed.

However, I am here to say, the bitch about the PIO shots, is not the inch and a half needle, it's not the injection, and it's not even the plunging. It's how SORE your butt is afterward. Remember when you were in highschool and you started a sport and for like a full week your body hurt so bad you could barely walk? Or you start working out after a long time of not working out and your calves burn so bad it hurts to walk? It's kind of like that. Each side of my butt is terribly sore, it does hurt to walk, and it feels as though I have an old, persistent charlie horse in each leg. I've been taking hot baths to relieve the soreness but mostly I'm just chalking it up to experiences that I've had like this before.

Like when my brother kneed me in the thigh at Christmas and it hurt for WEEKS! This is less pain than that, I'll keep telling myself that! :-)

I'm calling the clinic today at 2pm with hubby on conference. We're going to ask them to give us a cell count on Day 2 and see if they'll give it to us. I suppose it is going a bit over board to ask how they are progressing on Day 2 but I've learned so much that it will give me better information into the long run.

We're really, really, hoping for a 5 day blastocyst.

Otherwise, my embryo transfer will be tomorrow!!

CD 16 -Grading Embryos

So, it's like my embryos are on American Idol. They're being harshly judged right now and sized up in about 20 different ways.

There are two different grading scales, one for 3 day or earlier embryos, and a grading schedule for 5 day embryos as well. Below is a depiction of this grading, and what type of cell division is expected in these next couple days.

CD 16- Fertilization Report

8 of my eggs fertilized!!!!! We officially have 8 embryos growing! Oh my god!!!

The IVF coordinator called and said she had a "wonderful fertilization report" for us and told me that 8 were successfully fertilized. This is such great news. I really was thinking it would only be around 3-5 but this is better than expected.

They said if I have a 3 day transfer, then I would go in at 1:30pm this Saturday. because I'm having acupuncture done before and after, the acupunturist told me to be there at 12:15pm. I get to take a valium-like substance before I go, to calm the woman as much as possible, and I'm bringing my Ipod. Corny, but I think I'll listen to Enya. Or maybe download some Deep Forest. I'm gonna sit there and visualize the embryo falling gently onto my uterine wall and snuggling deep in my womb.

I asked them what the next steps were, and they said they would call me on Saturday to tell me the results of my embryos, how many had passed on, how many were thriving, how many were still hanging in there. Inside I thought, Saturday??? What the hell? You have my eight kids and you're not gonna tell me what's happening with them for another two days? I think not.

So, I told her I'd like more information on the cell division occuring with each of my embryos. I asked if it was possible for someone to call me tomorrow and let me know how many cells each of them had formed. She seemed surprised, but said yes I could call her tomorrow and she would give me that information. I beamed inside. I'm already being a protective parent, you see??

I'm just so thrilled. M is also happy and called himself a "stud". This sounds just about right to me!

More about cell development in a bit.

CD 15- Egg Retrieval - Conception Day

Wow. What an experience.

My friend E, husband M and I piled into the car and headed to the clinic around 730am. Both of us had neither eaten or had anything to drink since midnight (ok, so m cheated, he had some coffee, but he HAS to have his coffee). I woke up feeling excited, and not really nervous. I woke up feeling invigorated, like I just transitioned into the next stage of this process (well, I did) and that this could really work.

Today I felt like I could climb a mountain. (except for my whole chickeneggweightbelt I was wearing.) M and I wore comfy pajamas (I wore my bear pajamas, rock!!). It was very comfortable.

They took us back and since we were both having procedures done, they said we could room together! It was so nice having him right next to me throughout the whole thing. We dressed in our paper gowns tied at the back, put on our booties and shower cap. We took a bunch of video and generally screwed around laughing. Occasionally we would hold each other, and I shed a couple tears along the way.

All the clinic staff were so nice to us, everyone was just so sweet and helpful and catering to our needs. It was very nice. The needle guy came in and said it was time to hook me up to an IV. That went by without incident, and soon I was receiving fluids. Another nurse came in to get me and M and I said our goodbyes.

The room I walked into was more 'operating room' like, and there was a big monitor with my name and birthdate on the screen. The needle man was obviously hooking up my sedation, and they covered me in warm blankets. A woman came in and asked me to confirm my name, my birthdate, my reason for being here today. I satisfied all of her questions and she left as quickly as she came. Dr. L came in and asked how I was doing. I was thankful he pulled down his mask when he spoke to me. It was much more human. I remember someone asking me where I worked and I told them. Then I remember they asked me what I did. This was the last thing I remember!

All of a sudden, it was my husband in my face asking me if I was ok. When I woke up I had a considerable amount of pain. I was too groggy to communicate this but luckily my husband knows me so well he told them I needed something asap. They put more pain meds into my IV and the pain dulled. I could still feel it, but it wasn't as achy.

I lay dozing for a minute or two and they walked M to his operating room. After about a half an hour or so they wheeled him back in, and I was so happy to see him. All I wanted to do was take care of him and stroke his hair and see how he was doing. Corny, I know. But I didn't want him to feel any pain. He was funny again in his rambling he does while coming back from conscious sedation. He was asking the IV guy about his years of schooling and began rambling incessantly. The nurses chuckled and I smiled, my wonderful husband.

The docs came in and said they went into both testicles and took sperm from both. The right one apparently had more than enough but that was the second one they tapped. So, we're all good on that front.

As far as I'm concerned, they said they found 10 eggs. This is a little disappointing but I'm not gonna let it get me down. I suspect out of those 10, that 5 will be mature and available for fertilization which would give us about 3-5 embryos to play with. Since we're only looking for one *really good one*, we're not as freaked out as we would be if we were looking for two or three good ones. The docs call me tomorrow to let me know how many of my eggs were mature officially and how many of the eggs fertilized.

Just think, M and I have combined our genes and created cell-like creatures that are sitting in petri dishes right now! Us! Our genes! Our children! It sounds macabre, but I like to think of all of those embryos as little souls, even the ones that pass to the other side. Maybe they will come back another time, or in another form, like a favorite pet or something.

Overall, the pain is not bad. It's a little uncomfortable to move around. It definitely feels like something happened in there. I'm spotting, but they said that's normal. Mostly, I'm just so proud of us as a couple, and of me for getting to this stage. After a failed vasectomy reversal, two weeks of birth control, 30 plus days of injections, a month of diagnostic procedures, heartache and hope - we have finally gotten to the stage where others can now take action. This is where science is needed, and M and I step back and observe until it's time to make decisions.

A big thank you to my friend, E who sat in the clinic waiting for us so patiently and drove us to and from. And thank you for pulling over when I had to puke on the way home from the sedation. You kick ass!


To my little embryos out there growing right now - may you produce additional cells and be as strong as your mother and dad.

CD 14- Egg Retrieval Tomorrow

I have school to attend tonight, and then I'll be 100% focused on the rest of this IVF process.

I went in for another blood draw today, my progesterone level definitely felt the impacts of the HCG shot last night, from .5 to 5 today. My estrogen level slightly increased to 1500. I'm a little nervous that my estrogen level isn't as high as it should be, but we'll see.

Tomorrow I start the dreaded IM injections, so we'll see how those go.

I was a little disappointed, the nurse had originally said she'd give me some kick ass pain pills after the ER - but when I talked to her today, she said it she was only going to give Tylenol 3. Apparently, we grew up in different eras, cause Tylenol 3 ain't kick ass in my book. ;-)

I've been on the same IVF cycle as several online buddies via IVFconnections.com and all of them are starting to go through their ERs and stuff, preparing for transfer. It should be interesting to see the results of all of our transfers.

Ok, off to school, I cannot WAIT until this class ends tonight. Then it all becomes real.

Next Steps
Egg Retrieval tomorrow
Sperm Aspiration tomorrow
Fertilization Report on Thursday

CD 13- Day 10 of Stims - Trigger Day!

The clinic just called - it's trigger night! Holy be-jesus, this is it!

Tonight I give myself one last stimulation drug, and one huge dosage of HCG, and wait for egg retrieval on Wednesday!!


Estrogen Levels:

Estrogen Level on Suppression Check: 32
Estrogen Level on Day 3 of stims: 80
Estrogen Level on Day 5 of stims: 192
Estrogen Level on Day 7 of stims: 529
Estrogen Level on Day 9 of stims: 1157
Estrogen Level on Day 10 of stims: 1435

And in other news, here are MY growing follicles. One of these could be half of my daughter or son! :D






Next Steps:
HCG Trigger Shot Today
Blood Work On Tuesday
Egg Retrieval on Wednesday!