2dp5dt

Two days past a five day transfer. 2dp5dt - this is the type of lingo IVFers use when describing what stage of the 2ww they are in. 2ww - stands for "two week wait" which really isn't two weeks from the transfer, but rather two weeks from the egg retrieval.

The day coming home from the transfer was surreal. Where I never have before, I was now conscious of anything I was ingesting from pain medication like aleve to food. (Apparently, Tylenol is the only safe thing to take, pregnancy included.)

That day I also stopped the PIO injections and moved on to a progesterone vaginal suppository 3 times a day. Yeah, you heard me three times a day. Apparently, i will continue those suppositories until my 10th week of pregnancy and stop them if our little embryo doesn't "stick".

The problem with supplementing progesterone is it gives you all the same symptoms that you would have if you were pregnant. For example, I have been nauseous as hell since I came home from the transfer. Food smells differently to me, food tastes differently right now, and I have big aversions to food like Krispy Kreme donuts. My wonderful husband brought home KK donuts the day of transfer and I took one bite and had to hold in my vomit.

Ugh. Then last night we went to our favorite pizza place and the ceaser salad tasted way too potent and my slice of pizza seemed to stare at with me a death glare and take me on a roller coaster fifty times. needless to say, I passed the slice to M. (except when we walked out of the pizza place I wanted Mexican food! I wanted chips and cheese, mmmmmm!)

The other kick in the ass (and I promise I'll get to the less negative things in a moment) is from day of transfer until this morning (3 days) I've woken up in the middle of the night with the WORST headache. The kind of headache that makes you crawl to the shower and sit under the hot water for a half an hour. I don't know if I have a crick in my neck, if it's the meds or what, but M promised he'd work on my neck and shoulders tonight to see if I can prevent another one tonight.

Ok, negative shit over. Now it's time to talk about my emotions.

I know it's silly to get my hopes up right now, I know there is a 50% chance our little guy will pass on - but I can't help feeling such a bond with this little creature. I touch my belly and I swear I feel this closeness, even if it is psychological, I feel a closeness and a comfort I cannot describe.

Yesterday I was doing the dishes and staring to the ocean (we live close to the water) and the wind was blowing just right, the birds were flying in the sky, I had Deep Forest's 'Sweet Lullaby' playing on my I-pod - I held my belly, closed my eyes and slowly swayed to the music. I was so happy. So thrilled to be here, so filled with hope.

I'm imagining our son our daughter going with us to the pizza place, or taking him to the zoo, I'm imagining family dinners at the table and breastfeeding my wonderful baby. I'm imagining the amazing grace and pain of childbirth and the miracle that all of this could end up as.

All of this is so overwhelming, that just writing it makes me shed tears. I want this so badly, probably more than anything else in my entire life, and the fact that it is completely out of my control is nervewracking. We only have hope, hope, hope.

From what I can glean, M is a little freaked out. While I'm holding my belly and talking to my 7 day old embryo, M doesn't want to do the same. He is afraid of getting attached to it, and then losing it. I know he is just as excited and happy as I am, but he doesn't want to 'humanize' the embryo yet because he's scared it will go away. I am too, and perhaps I will regret forming a bond so quickly, but I can't help it. It IS a human, it IS our baby, it IS a piece of us. And even if it does pass on, it was still with us for a brief period of time.

I've peed on enough pregnancy tests to now know the HCG hormone is out of my system so any detection of HCG from this point on will be coming from the baby, and not a previous injection. (For you IVFers out there, it left my system on Day 9.)

There is a big debate with IVF women, to pee or not to pee on a stick before your official doctor's pregnancy test. But come on. I'm a type A woman, there is no way I couldn't pee on a stick. That sounds like torture frankly, and plus I think it's important that M and I already know the results before we take the blood test.

And my official pregnancy test date? Valentine’s Day. That's right folks. You heard me right. Valentine's Day. So it's either going to be a very happy one, or a very sad one. We already made reservations for a nice steakhouse no matter the results, and I've taken the day off of work so I wouldn't have to deal with work people after finding out the results, good or bad.

So, on 2-14, I have an appointment at 8:30am and they said they would call me within 4 hours to tell me the results. When an embryo implants itself into a woman's womb, it begins emitting a hormone called HCG. Grocery store pregnancy tests also test for the same thing in a woman's urine, HCG but the amount of HCG usually has to exceed 25 or so for those tests to catch it. The blood test at the doctor's will determine exactly what my HCG levels are. The kicker here is, the embryo could have stuck, produced HCG and then died. The blood test will tell me if my HCG levels are "right on track" or not. If they are, I come in a few days later for another blood test and the levels should be doubling by then. If the levels have doubled appropriately, then I don't go back to the doctor until 7 weeks of pregnancy for my first ultrasound to see the heart beating.

If we make it that far, then that will be the last engagement with the fertility clinic and then it's off to find a midwife for the rest of the pregnancy. But I won't get too ahead of myself, even writing that feels far fetched and unrealistic. Like I don't want to jinx it or something.

As far as a HPT (HPT - home pregnancy test) - I think I can safely test about 7dp5dt. I've seen some women get positives as early as 5dp5dt but I think to be on the safe side, I should wait until at least Monday before testing. I don't know if I will be able to hold out this long, so we will see.

Otherwise I've been eating pineapple as instructed by my acupuncturist (it contains an enzyme bromelain that supposedly assists in implantation) and have generally been off my feet and avoiding stress as much as possible. I go back to work next Monday (working from home the next 3 days) and I'm sorta looking forward to that, to have human engagement again. I'm not looking forward to the questions of "Well, did it work?" and such, but I've decided my answer will be "Just don't know yet".

*deep breath*

M has been so good to me throughout this entire cycle, it's been such a blessing to have him by my side through all of this. So today is another day, and I just may perhaps dance again when I do the dishes in a couple hours.

Because although it may be in vain, maybe one day I can tell our son or daughter how I held them by putting my hand on my belly, looking to the water and just hoped. Hoped. Hoped. Hope. Hoping. Hope.