4dp5dt

Not much to report 'round these parts so I'll make it quick.

I caved and took an HPT yesterday and today, both negative. Which, of course is expected, but I am of a weak will and those little pee sticks called my name. "Come to us, pee on us" they said. I obliged. Cause that's the kinda girl I am.

Today I peed on one and jumped into the shower. I knew when I stepped out and looked at it that it would be snow white. When my expectations were met and indeed it was snow white without any hope of a line, I said 'damn' silently to myself and dropped it into the trash. I pushed it deep into the trash, as though somehow it would jinx future tests or something. I also didn't want to see it staring back at me the next time I threw something away.

I asked for this, so I can't get too upset too early. It's about 3 days too early to really get solid results, but I balance not knowing and knowing, and knowing always wins. I suppose if I were a veteran at this if it would be different. I read something really funny (or not so funny really) on an IVF Veteran forum (those who have gone through IVF 4+ times) and a woman said:

"You know you're an IVF veteran when you get your negative beta results while at the liquor store."

Made me chuckle anyway. I'm not holding my belly any longer, and I'm feeling a little more cautious about the whole she-bang. I know a lot of women are of the approach "I'm just gonna say I'm pregnant til proven wrong", well now I'm in the mindset of "I don't know if this is going to work, so I need to prepare for it not to" mindset. I suppose the first days were the honeymoon phase where it's just neat to think that you have a creature in your belly. And the newness of all of that. But now? Now, I'm ready to carry on in life and go back to work, and find some distractions to get my mind of this little guy or girl.

Someone from school pinged me on IM today and said he had a dream about me, that I came to class with a "big ole belly". I love it when people have dreams like that. I believe deeply in the supernatural and flowing energy between people and these things only give me more hope. Even if it's not this cycle, it will be one cycle.

I've got to think of this as a process. This is not a yes or no moment for us. Each cycle is approximately $12,000 and we are blessed to have insurance pay for this first cycle, it will be out of pocket if we do a second cycle, but I'm blessed we will be able to do that as well. Can you tell I'm preparing myself for a failure? I'm protecting my heart, you know.

On the symptoms front, the past two days I have experienced some lethargy. Yawning at the strangest moments, feeling like I need little cat naps here and there, feeling a little spacy. Yesterday I felt some strong cramping and stabbing pains in my uterus, but today not so much. Maybe he implanted yesterday? If so, the HCG hormone would start producing in a couple days.

If I don't get a positive line by Monday, well, then, I think we should hold off on the cause for celebration. I think I'll wait until I get home from work because if it's negative, I'll be a sad girl throughout the day, and my work requires me to be "on" for at least 5-8 hours. I have several meetings already booked for Monday and have been off for two weeks now. I'll definitely wait until I get home.

I am becoming enlightened in this process. I love speaking to other women who are going through the same thing, I love even more to help them, inform them, encourage them, challenge their way of thinking. I love women, period. Such wonderful creatures we are....

My boobs aren't sore, the nausea has tapered down a bit (except last night's spaghetti grew fangs and dared me to eat it), I didn't take the dare and instead nibbled on bread. I'm down to 111 pounds from 117 but I think 6 of those pounds were my eggs. That's a joke.

I "met" this woman Paty online who is going through an IVF cycle, she also has a blog and on that blog is this amazing song that I listen to probably 5 times a day. It really touches me and is often just what I need to release my tears and frustration of the day. It's called "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush and I'll list the lyrics below. It just makes sense. (Thanks, Paty!)

This Woman's Work

Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.

I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.

Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.

I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things we should've said,
That were never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.


So much for quick. :-) That's it for tonight.