7dp5dt

Ok, so now I know why IVFers tell you not to pee on a stick (POAS). This morning I woke up and as part of my daily ritual lately, I peed on three sticks. All showed pregnant of course, but I jumped into my analytic work mode.

"Why isn't today's line darker than yesterday's line?"

"Is that thinner? It looks thinner? Do you think I'm losing the pregnancy?"

I burst into tears. Every time I come across something that feels it could threaten this pregnancy, my heart beats loudly in my chest, I feel light headed and there are stars in front of my face. It is a devastation I cannot describe.

Calling my husband into the bathroom to examine the tests, he unfortunately agreed with me, that yes, today's line was a teeny tiny lighter than yesterday's line. I took another test only 5 minutes later (where do I get this extra urine from???) and this test came out much better, much darker than the one I took minutes ago, but still not as perfect and dark as yesterday's line.

Sitting on the bathroom stool, I wept, staring at those bastard tests, wishing all of it would be over already. I'm so dramatic when these things occur. Searching frantically online, I see many people saying "Don't worry about the strength of the line, if there is a second line you are pregnant, period."

It seems like no information is good information, and now the only thing that will make feel better will be to hear my clinic say "Well, we have good news, your beta results came in as XXX".

As long as they say that, I will stop worrying so much that this will be a failed pregnancy. Man, I'd hate to have to be the lady that calls people with that news. Hopefully it will be my favorite Nurse S. who calls me with the news. She could make something bad sound not too bad. But I don't care who calls, just as long as it's good news.

So, my husband and I agreed, no more peeing on sticks. It only serves to drive me absolutely batty and does nothing but make me worry and stress out even more. So as hard as it will be, I will let the next three days go by without even touching those devilish things. They are certainly good for confirming pregnant or not pregnant, but they SUCK when it comes to confirming that HCG levels are rising. I'm still feeling overly cautious. I feel foolish for even saying I'm pregnant until I get the confirmation from the doctor. So for now, little Poppy, you hang in there and keep multiplying and digging in.

I'm really scared folks. If I lost this pregnancy, I'll be crushed. Seriously crushed. Three days have never seemed so far away.