4w2d

Ok, so now I'm here. Now what?

I'll tell you what. I know people love me, I really do. I know people in general really mean well, family, friends, strangers, loved ones, whatever.

But now that I'm offically pregnant, I keep hearing these horror stories about first trimester miscarriages. And the first trimester wait. And "don't tell, don't tell" and all of this stuff. Bless you all, I know you mean well, I really do, but if I hear "don't get your hopes too high" or "cautious optimism" or "only 9 more weeks before you can actually tell someone!", I'm gonna be sick to my stomach(besides my own queasy stomach as of late).

I'm fighting the tears right now, because I know all of this people, ok? I know all of this. I know the little pancake thing growing in my uterus could cave at any moment, ok? I know I could start bleeding and this whole thing could be over. I know that God or Buddha or whomever could take this little miracle away from me as fast as he gave it to us and this is something I am very aware of, ok?

I didn't have pregnancies like you people, I didn't get a choice NOT to tell. You don't go through IVF with friends and family surrounding you and knowing your every step and movement and transfer over an embryo and NOT tell anyone for 3 months, ok? EVERYONE asks. EVERYONE wants to know "How did it go? " "Did it work?" "Pregnant, yet?" "Well?"

I don't get to "hide" it. I don't get to "wait". I dont get to keep it to myself, I don't get to have that private waiting period that you people do. I DON'T GET ANY OF THAT SO PLEASE STOP REMINDING ME THAT THIS EMBRYO INSIDE OF ME COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT OK???

Jesus! Ok, so now I am crying. I know they mean well, I know they don't want me to have to "re-tell" everyone that it died, and "no I'm not pregnant anymore". I get it. I know their hearts are in the best places, but just stop, ok? It took me six months to even get to where I am, it took over 60 injections, $13,000, fifty million doctors appointments and twice as many tears, just let me bask in the magical moment that is OURS.

Let me be a mother to my little folded over pancake, and leave me alone about it. If I could conceieve the natural way, if I could hide my pregnancy for the three month waiting period, I would. But I can't. Unless I chose to tell you nothing about my IVF experience, unless I chose not to involve you in anything intimate happening in my life. If that was the case, yes I could spring on you one day that I was three months pregnant and everything was "safe".

But damn it all, I don't have that option. I don't have that option.