4w3d

I feel better from last night. Sorry 'bout the rant, but not really. It's important for me to set my boundaries with people and until now whenever they would give me "first trimester stuff" I've been responding with a "I know, I know". I've since had a long talk with my husband and mom and moving forward I'll be taking a different approach when people say these things to me.

Moving on to other topics, we have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see if Poppy is progressing like he/she should. My last beta was around 200, so we would expect at least a doubling by tomorrow, so I'm shooting for at least 400 or more. A little more worry can drop from my shoulders if indeed it falls around this range. They will also check my progesterone level, and that BETTER be good with all of these damn vaginal suppositories I've been taking three times a day. They are messy, messy, messy! I won't go into the details, but holy cow batman, icky!

Otherwise, still experiencing strong symptoms, like today, I must have slept a total of 10 hours and I haven't even gone to bed yet! Everytime I close my eyes, it feels like I could snooze for a bit, so since it's the weekend, I went for it! I even went and bought a black sleeping mask to drown out the light around me.

Every single woman on my IVF cycle board has gotten positive betas!! It's so nice to have a handful of women to talk to, vent with, and worry with at times. They all are going through exactly the same thing, and know all the worries, fears, and excitement we experience. What would I do without the internet???

Alright, off to go research progesterone levels. :-) More tomorrow after our second beta.

4w2d

Ok, so now I'm here. Now what?

I'll tell you what. I know people love me, I really do. I know people in general really mean well, family, friends, strangers, loved ones, whatever.

But now that I'm offically pregnant, I keep hearing these horror stories about first trimester miscarriages. And the first trimester wait. And "don't tell, don't tell" and all of this stuff. Bless you all, I know you mean well, I really do, but if I hear "don't get your hopes too high" or "cautious optimism" or "only 9 more weeks before you can actually tell someone!", I'm gonna be sick to my stomach(besides my own queasy stomach as of late).

I'm fighting the tears right now, because I know all of this people, ok? I know all of this. I know the little pancake thing growing in my uterus could cave at any moment, ok? I know I could start bleeding and this whole thing could be over. I know that God or Buddha or whomever could take this little miracle away from me as fast as he gave it to us and this is something I am very aware of, ok?

I didn't have pregnancies like you people, I didn't get a choice NOT to tell. You don't go through IVF with friends and family surrounding you and knowing your every step and movement and transfer over an embryo and NOT tell anyone for 3 months, ok? EVERYONE asks. EVERYONE wants to know "How did it go? " "Did it work?" "Pregnant, yet?" "Well?"

I don't get to "hide" it. I don't get to "wait". I dont get to keep it to myself, I don't get to have that private waiting period that you people do. I DON'T GET ANY OF THAT SO PLEASE STOP REMINDING ME THAT THIS EMBRYO INSIDE OF ME COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT OK???

Jesus! Ok, so now I am crying. I know they mean well, I know they don't want me to have to "re-tell" everyone that it died, and "no I'm not pregnant anymore". I get it. I know their hearts are in the best places, but just stop, ok? It took me six months to even get to where I am, it took over 60 injections, $13,000, fifty million doctors appointments and twice as many tears, just let me bask in the magical moment that is OURS.

Let me be a mother to my little folded over pancake, and leave me alone about it. If I could conceieve the natural way, if I could hide my pregnancy for the three month waiting period, I would. But I can't. Unless I chose to tell you nothing about my IVF experience, unless I chose not to involve you in anything intimate happening in my life. If that was the case, yes I could spring on you one day that I was three months pregnant and everything was "safe".

But damn it all, I don't have that option. I don't have that option.

4 Weeks 1 day pregnant!!!!!! (First Beta)

We're pregnant, we're pregnant, we're pregnant!!!!!

We came into the clinic (early no less, can you tell we were excited) and they took us back. My favorite Nurse S came to greet us and everyone was very excited for today. I told them we've been experiencing positives and they were so happy. I had blood drawn and they told us we would hear back between 2pm and 5pm. Shoot, that's a long time!!

So we decided to pass the time, a burger at Denny's and then we would head to the fabric store. I kept my phone on vibrate in my lap and all of a sudden it started vibrating.

I looked down, and boom, it was the clinic's name.

"Oh my god, honey, it's them!!"

I put the clinic on speaker and nurse L said "great news, your beta is at 200!!!"

M and I started screaming and she laughed and congratulated us. She told me to come in for my second (and last) beta on Sunday morning at 8. From there, we will schedule the ultra sound to hear the heartbeat in a couple of weeks. WHEN all goes well there, it's off to the midwife and no more fertility clinic!!

WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a long, complex journey, how VERY VERY worth it. I'm still in shock and I have this huge kool-aid grin on my face.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

9dp5dt

You thought I caved yesterday? I took three more HPTs today, all different kinds. :-)

The lines are strikingly darker, I'm feeling so positive about tomorrow!!! Our appointment is at 8:30 in the morning and they said they would call me within 4 hours. I've never felt so positive before!!

I can't wait to stop being in this constant period of waiting, and instead start focusing on the things to come. This is the most positive I've been since having started my cycle, and I just *know* I will come back to this blog tomorrow with a big "I'm pregnant, it's official!"

BabyCenter sent me an update today on Poppy:

Your pregnancy: 4 weeks

This week marks the beginning of the embryonic period. From now until ten weeks, all of your baby's organs will begin to develop and some will even begin to function. As a result, this is the time when she'll be most vulnerable to anything that might interfere with her development.

Right now your baby is an embryo the size of a poppy seed, consisting of two layers: the epiblast and the hypoblast, from which all of her organs and body parts will develop.

Imagining a poppy seed growing organs makes me giggle. Stay tuned!!

8dp5dt

Ok, I admit it. I caved and took another HPT.

Still pregnant!!!!!!!



sqqqqqqqqqqqqqquuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

8dp5dt

I didn't test this morning although it was very tempting. I thought to myself "maybe just a digital" and then remembered the trauma of yesterday morning and held out. What a strong will! I realize now that the line wasn't actually lighter yesterday and I feel a little foolish for having such a freak out. On the "cheapie cheapie" tests (which is what I call these kind of tests) the line has progressively turned darker from 5d5pdt to 7dp5dt and the EPT ones looked exactly the same if not yesterday's being a darker line.

I look at yesterday as being a sign to me to STOP the insanity and surrender to the process until Thursday.

Another symptom? My boobs are getting bigger. Now, I'm a small girl to start with so any growth means "big" in my book. Normally before my period, my breasts would swell, but they would always be super tender and tight. This is different. They are tender, but squishy. More fuller around the rims, I can even see shadows in the mirror now. I will enjoy my new found boobs!

Only one full day left besides today and I will find out everything for sure. I just want the band-aid to be ripped off and the truth to be known. Until then, I’ll just keep munching my vegetables, drinking my water, taking my prenatals and being patient.

7dp5dt

Ok, so now I know why IVFers tell you not to pee on a stick (POAS). This morning I woke up and as part of my daily ritual lately, I peed on three sticks. All showed pregnant of course, but I jumped into my analytic work mode.

"Why isn't today's line darker than yesterday's line?"

"Is that thinner? It looks thinner? Do you think I'm losing the pregnancy?"

I burst into tears. Every time I come across something that feels it could threaten this pregnancy, my heart beats loudly in my chest, I feel light headed and there are stars in front of my face. It is a devastation I cannot describe.

Calling my husband into the bathroom to examine the tests, he unfortunately agreed with me, that yes, today's line was a teeny tiny lighter than yesterday's line. I took another test only 5 minutes later (where do I get this extra urine from???) and this test came out much better, much darker than the one I took minutes ago, but still not as perfect and dark as yesterday's line.

Sitting on the bathroom stool, I wept, staring at those bastard tests, wishing all of it would be over already. I'm so dramatic when these things occur. Searching frantically online, I see many people saying "Don't worry about the strength of the line, if there is a second line you are pregnant, period."

It seems like no information is good information, and now the only thing that will make feel better will be to hear my clinic say "Well, we have good news, your beta results came in as XXX".

As long as they say that, I will stop worrying so much that this will be a failed pregnancy. Man, I'd hate to have to be the lady that calls people with that news. Hopefully it will be my favorite Nurse S. who calls me with the news. She could make something bad sound not too bad. But I don't care who calls, just as long as it's good news.

So, my husband and I agreed, no more peeing on sticks. It only serves to drive me absolutely batty and does nothing but make me worry and stress out even more. So as hard as it will be, I will let the next three days go by without even touching those devilish things. They are certainly good for confirming pregnant or not pregnant, but they SUCK when it comes to confirming that HCG levels are rising. I'm still feeling overly cautious. I feel foolish for even saying I'm pregnant until I get the confirmation from the doctor. So for now, little Poppy, you hang in there and keep multiplying and digging in.

I'm really scared folks. If I lost this pregnancy, I'll be crushed. Seriously crushed. Three days have never seemed so far away.

6dp5dt - yaaaaawn

Still pregnant. *grin*

Today's HPT results yielded darker lines (you know, on all 4 of the tests I took, seriously, I'm crazy). One of the biggest symptoms that is happening is I'm SOOOO tired. I started noticing this 3 days ago, but today really took it's toll. After waking up around 8am, I was ready for a nap around 1 and slept for another couple of hours. I feel like I just want to curl up in my bed for hours and stay there for a loooong time.

My beta test is four days away and I have good feelings about it. I'm really thinking this pregnancy is going to stick. (positive thinking, right?)

It's very confusing the way pregnancy is measured, basically by the time you find out your pregnant, you're usually 4 weeks along.

Snipped from a website to describe it:

"A woman's menstrual cycle is on average 28 days long. Using this 28-day average, fertilisation or conception normally occurs at around day 14 or the middle of your cycle (2 weeks after your last period and 2 weeks before your next period). Although (based on an average 28-day cycle) conception is likely to occur on day 14 of your cycle; the start of your pregnancy is actually calculated from the start date of your last menstrual period (LMP), or day 1 of your cycle.

Given this method of calculation, your pregnancy is measured in what is termed gestational weeks, as opposed to being measured from the actual day of conception. Counting from the first day of your LMP, there are 40 gestational weeks of pregnancy. Assuming that you have a 28-day cycle, in gestational weeks 1 and 2, your baby is waiting to be conceived. On day 14,and at the start of gestational week 3, your baby has just been created. By the end of gestational week 3, the actual age of your baby is one week."

So based on this IVF calculator, I am 3 weeks and 4 days along in my pregnancy. If all goes well, my "due date" is around October 22, 2008.

But I won't get too ahead of myself just yet. M and I have both taken off work on Thursday so that we will both go into the doctor's appt and we will both be home to recieve "the call". As with everything so far, we've video taped every step along the way, including the failed vasectomy reversal. When that phone rings, we're turning on the camera, putting the phone on speaker and bracing ourselves. For good or for bad, we want to capture it all.

Again, I have good feelings about this pregnancy and I'm not gonna let it get me down. I certainly won't be broadcasting anything to anyone anytime soon (except to family) but I am ready to be out of the dreaded waiting period. I'm ready to start thinking about the 'normal' things women think about when pregnant, like baby clothes, slings, diapers, creating a nursery....all of that.

I return to work tomorrow and besides this lethargy, I look forward to being distracted and focused on something other than Poppy. *snicker* Oh yeah, because the little blastocyst is the size of a poppy seed, I've decided to call it 'Poppy' for now. (talk about not getting ahead of myself!)

Alright, off to bed early for me. I'm sooooo tired.