Last Post! Final Appointment with the clinic.

This is my final post folks, it's been real.

To my IVF sisters out there, it *can* happen, don't give up. I know the process is scary and tough, but it's SO worth it. I hope this blog brings you much information in your times of worry. I know *exactly* how you feel.

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9 Week Ultrasound and last appointment with the IVF clinic.


Man, today has been a good day.

It started with seeing our little Poppy on the big screen again. My, has he grown! Holy jeepers, he looks less like a bowling pin and more like a baby now! We could see his legs and his arms, his head, his tiny butt, everything! We were offically released from the doctor and headed over the midwife.

She was awesome!!! I asked her my questions, and she answered them all, matching everything that I could ever want in a midwife. She was amazing! She had such a calm demeanor about her, she was perfect! We decided on the spot that we wanted her, and proceeded to make our first pre-natal appointment for April 3rd. I'm so happy right now I could just die! But I won't die because I'm so happy!!!!

Here are other pictures from the ultrasound:

8 Weeks Today

Dear Poppy,

Sometimes I just look in the mirror and am SO happy you're in my belly and in our lives now.

I can't wait to hold you and look into your eyes and see your first smile.

6w5d - Poppy's Heartbeat!

Poppy has a heartbeat!

That's right folks, our little creature of wonder surprised us all today. The moment the wand was in, the doc said "yep, there's the heartbeat!!"

"What do you mean!" I said and looked at the screen. Dr. O said it was perfect, beating at 144, the gestational sac and yolk sac were measuring perfect, he was thrilled. HE was thrilled, WE were thrilled!

I burst into tears (wand in me and everything) and the doc took his measurements and a small movie of Poppy's heartbeat. What a sweet heartbeat it is.

Thank you so much for everyone's prayers, good thoughts and well wishes. We couldn't be more happy.

And now onto Poppy's Second Debut. We call this "Flippin' The World Off With My New Arm Buds".

Measuring the Gestational Sac


Yolk Sac and Poppy!! My how you have grown!


Yolk Sac and Poppy, he's totally doing the cabbage patch in this picture


Measuring the heartbeat!!


Doubled in size since last appointment, must be the strong genetics :D

6w4d

I admit it, I'm scared for tomorrow's appointment. I'm scared they still won't be able to find the heartbeat again and Poppy will become less of a Poppy and more of a 'tragedy'. I've been holding my tears today in fears he would feel his mother crying, I've been staring to the sky today asking my grandparents for help, I've been praying to a God I don't know is out there, but doing it because it feels safe and comforting. I'm trying my best to hold on to a faith I feel I've lost in my weakest moments.

I'm scared to do the walk my husband and I have done 100 times before, out of the car, straight through the 40 or so feet of parking lot, down the five steps, turn right, then a left through the double doors, pee in the bathroom, then into the fertility clinic.

It's quite a routine of ours now, we probably have 40 or so videos of us making that trek, tomorrow we'll make another one. Hopefully one of the last we'll have to make....

My husband has been wonderful throughout this entire experience, and has really kept us going in these moments. He's definitely the stronger of the two of us when heartbreak strikes. Me? I like to sit in the shower with the hot water blinding me and zone out. Seems like tears blend in the shower and make everything less real.

I've been trying to keep optimistic these past three days, but I've always been of the 'prepare for the worst' mindset as to not feel Total Disappointment the day of something.

Wish us luck, all.

6w3d - Ultrasound Pics

We had our ultrasound yesterday. It was a confusing day as we didn't see the heartbeat yet, but found out later that it's still too early to start panicking. We have another ultrasound on Monday to confirm the heartbeat as Poppy should have a Crown Rump Length (CRL) of at least 6.41 mm by then (he was only at 3.41 on Friday). They say you should be able to see the heartbeat after a CRL of 5 mm.

And on to better, brighter things, Poppy's first debut!



This is a picture of Poppy from very far away. It's my yolk sac, and Poppy. So small!



This is the gestational sac with Poppy hanging out in there, the yolk sac is measuring perfect if not above average and is inside the gestational sac.



This is Poppy in all his glory. As you can see, he's only 3.41 mm right now. Doc called him my little "bean". Silly him, it's a Poppy!

6w1d

First ultrasound is tomorrow. I'm so nervous. Otherwise, everything has been progressing wonderfully. Some nausea, mostly tired, but anxiously waiting this ultrasound. I'll make sure to update when we come back.

According to the pregnancy calendars, this is what little Poppy looks like:

Looks like me, huh??

5 weeks today - Beta # 3

Let me remind everyone that I've never been pregnant before, therefore any twinge, cramp or ache and I'm freaked out. A couple days ago I started getting this swimmer's cramp type of thing in my side and I convinced myself Poppy had floated to my tubes and I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I scrubbed the internet and was reassured that indeed it was NOT that, an indication would be decreasing HCG levels, bleeding and severe pain. Nope, not that.

But I wasn't convinced. I called the nurse from the fertility clinic, my favorite Nurse S and left a message on her voicemail. Trying to contain myself, I told her I was afraid that something bad was happening and that I had a cramp. In mid-way sentence I burst into tears, and was so embarrassed, I sounded like....well..I sounded like a crazy, hormonal pregnant woman. Even as I was talking, I was feeling silly, but still I wanted confirmation that Poppy was still growing and that his HCG levels were still doubling as they should. I asked for a third beta. Yeah, folks that's right, I asked for a third pregnancy test. *blush*

They said absolutely and agreed to see me Wednesday morning. After scouring the internet once more, I saw that my results should be around above or around 1000-1300 somewhere around there. This would mean the little bean was still swimming around in my momma-womb like he should be and multiplying and growing like a good boy does. (Watch it be a girl!)

So, today we piled into the fertility clinic once more and I had my blood drawn. Of course I was checking the lab resuls online every five minutes or so, and at around 1pm, I hit refresh and there it was "Lab Results = 1". Ooooooh! Everytime I have to click on lab results, I hold my breath, close one eye and click the link. This time when I clicked I was expecting to see something in the one thousands, like 1100, or 1150 or something like that. To my surprise, it was 2341!!!!! WHAT?!!?! Holy crip crap, we either have a very strong little baby growing or could it perhaps be......identical twins? Wouldn't that be ironic, the couple who chooses eSET falls into the 5% and gets identical twins. This level is definitely above average for a single pregnancy in the stage I'm at, but I won't jump to any conclusions just yet.

Next Friday is our first ultrasound at the fertility clinic and I am SO looking forward to it. I hope we get to hear it as well. Maybe we can even take video or something!! I'm not sure if they have a second ultrasound or not, but the end is near with the fertility clinic I can feel it. M and I have decided to bring cookies and a couple of thank you notes to send our goodbyes off in style. They did ultimately give us what we wanted, the first time around. I feel SO blessed from this whole thing.

Otherwise, everything is pretty normal. I feel a lot of uterine activity, sometimes painful twinges, but each time ir reminds me that I have a special little creature inside of me, and the pain is nothing compared to that. It's pain for a purpose, just like child birth.

Once the ultrasound is over, we'll be scheduling an appointment with the homebirth midwife we found. I've got a bunch of questions for her and want to make sure she's the perfect one for us. We'll also ask her if she has reccomendations on a doula and interview her too. This is all becoming so real!!

My mom is coming down in to weeks to scope the area out (we've been trying to convince them to move out here) and we've already made a Babies R' Us date. Yay! M and I admittedly already bought three onesies already, ha ha ha!! The one onesie I love the best is white with a chick breaking out of an egg and on the short it says "Just Hatched!"

How much cuter can you get??

4w4d - 2nd Beta

Back from the doctor with my beta results. Last beta was 200, this beta was 518!!! This is amazing news, the pregnancy is progressing perfectly. I am so, so happy. :-)

Only one more appointment left with the ole fertility clinic and that's to hear/see the heartbeat through transvaginal u/s. That's in two weeks. When all goes well there, it's off to see a midwife for my first prenatal appointment!

*does a dance*

I'm definitely starting to form a bond with this little one. As he slowly moves from a pancake into a worm like state, I feel protective over him and want to shelter him from things like processed food, my dog stepping on my lap, even decaf coffee.

I've only got two pregnancy tests left that test the darkness of the line and I think I'll save that for close to my u/s. By then my HCG levels will be through the roof (in the multi-thousands) so it will only be for peace of mind instead of confirmation. I seriously feel like doing a little dance, *does one more little dance*.

Yes!!!!

*does one more little dance*

One more u/s appointment which I will document here and then I won't be updating this blog anymore. I know, I know, you're heatbroken, but I will keep this blog online so other women and couples can learn, enjoy, and reference back to all of my posts for their own experience.

Next and LAST Step:
Check for Poppy's Heartbeat and say goodbye to the fertility clinic!

4w3d

I feel better from last night. Sorry 'bout the rant, but not really. It's important for me to set my boundaries with people and until now whenever they would give me "first trimester stuff" I've been responding with a "I know, I know". I've since had a long talk with my husband and mom and moving forward I'll be taking a different approach when people say these things to me.

Moving on to other topics, we have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see if Poppy is progressing like he/she should. My last beta was around 200, so we would expect at least a doubling by tomorrow, so I'm shooting for at least 400 or more. A little more worry can drop from my shoulders if indeed it falls around this range. They will also check my progesterone level, and that BETTER be good with all of these damn vaginal suppositories I've been taking three times a day. They are messy, messy, messy! I won't go into the details, but holy cow batman, icky!

Otherwise, still experiencing strong symptoms, like today, I must have slept a total of 10 hours and I haven't even gone to bed yet! Everytime I close my eyes, it feels like I could snooze for a bit, so since it's the weekend, I went for it! I even went and bought a black sleeping mask to drown out the light around me.

Every single woman on my IVF cycle board has gotten positive betas!! It's so nice to have a handful of women to talk to, vent with, and worry with at times. They all are going through exactly the same thing, and know all the worries, fears, and excitement we experience. What would I do without the internet???

Alright, off to go research progesterone levels. :-) More tomorrow after our second beta.

4w2d

Ok, so now I'm here. Now what?

I'll tell you what. I know people love me, I really do. I know people in general really mean well, family, friends, strangers, loved ones, whatever.

But now that I'm offically pregnant, I keep hearing these horror stories about first trimester miscarriages. And the first trimester wait. And "don't tell, don't tell" and all of this stuff. Bless you all, I know you mean well, I really do, but if I hear "don't get your hopes too high" or "cautious optimism" or "only 9 more weeks before you can actually tell someone!", I'm gonna be sick to my stomach(besides my own queasy stomach as of late).

I'm fighting the tears right now, because I know all of this people, ok? I know all of this. I know the little pancake thing growing in my uterus could cave at any moment, ok? I know I could start bleeding and this whole thing could be over. I know that God or Buddha or whomever could take this little miracle away from me as fast as he gave it to us and this is something I am very aware of, ok?

I didn't have pregnancies like you people, I didn't get a choice NOT to tell. You don't go through IVF with friends and family surrounding you and knowing your every step and movement and transfer over an embryo and NOT tell anyone for 3 months, ok? EVERYONE asks. EVERYONE wants to know "How did it go? " "Did it work?" "Pregnant, yet?" "Well?"

I don't get to "hide" it. I don't get to "wait". I dont get to keep it to myself, I don't get to have that private waiting period that you people do. I DON'T GET ANY OF THAT SO PLEASE STOP REMINDING ME THAT THIS EMBRYO INSIDE OF ME COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT OK???

Jesus! Ok, so now I am crying. I know they mean well, I know they don't want me to have to "re-tell" everyone that it died, and "no I'm not pregnant anymore". I get it. I know their hearts are in the best places, but just stop, ok? It took me six months to even get to where I am, it took over 60 injections, $13,000, fifty million doctors appointments and twice as many tears, just let me bask in the magical moment that is OURS.

Let me be a mother to my little folded over pancake, and leave me alone about it. If I could conceieve the natural way, if I could hide my pregnancy for the three month waiting period, I would. But I can't. Unless I chose to tell you nothing about my IVF experience, unless I chose not to involve you in anything intimate happening in my life. If that was the case, yes I could spring on you one day that I was three months pregnant and everything was "safe".

But damn it all, I don't have that option. I don't have that option.

4 Weeks 1 day pregnant!!!!!! (First Beta)

We're pregnant, we're pregnant, we're pregnant!!!!!

We came into the clinic (early no less, can you tell we were excited) and they took us back. My favorite Nurse S came to greet us and everyone was very excited for today. I told them we've been experiencing positives and they were so happy. I had blood drawn and they told us we would hear back between 2pm and 5pm. Shoot, that's a long time!!

So we decided to pass the time, a burger at Denny's and then we would head to the fabric store. I kept my phone on vibrate in my lap and all of a sudden it started vibrating.

I looked down, and boom, it was the clinic's name.

"Oh my god, honey, it's them!!"

I put the clinic on speaker and nurse L said "great news, your beta is at 200!!!"

M and I started screaming and she laughed and congratulated us. She told me to come in for my second (and last) beta on Sunday morning at 8. From there, we will schedule the ultra sound to hear the heartbeat in a couple of weeks. WHEN all goes well there, it's off to the midwife and no more fertility clinic!!

WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a long, complex journey, how VERY VERY worth it. I'm still in shock and I have this huge kool-aid grin on my face.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

9dp5dt

You thought I caved yesterday? I took three more HPTs today, all different kinds. :-)

The lines are strikingly darker, I'm feeling so positive about tomorrow!!! Our appointment is at 8:30 in the morning and they said they would call me within 4 hours. I've never felt so positive before!!

I can't wait to stop being in this constant period of waiting, and instead start focusing on the things to come. This is the most positive I've been since having started my cycle, and I just *know* I will come back to this blog tomorrow with a big "I'm pregnant, it's official!"

BabyCenter sent me an update today on Poppy:

Your pregnancy: 4 weeks

This week marks the beginning of the embryonic period. From now until ten weeks, all of your baby's organs will begin to develop and some will even begin to function. As a result, this is the time when she'll be most vulnerable to anything that might interfere with her development.

Right now your baby is an embryo the size of a poppy seed, consisting of two layers: the epiblast and the hypoblast, from which all of her organs and body parts will develop.

Imagining a poppy seed growing organs makes me giggle. Stay tuned!!

8dp5dt

Ok, I admit it. I caved and took another HPT.

Still pregnant!!!!!!!



sqqqqqqqqqqqqqquuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

8dp5dt

I didn't test this morning although it was very tempting. I thought to myself "maybe just a digital" and then remembered the trauma of yesterday morning and held out. What a strong will! I realize now that the line wasn't actually lighter yesterday and I feel a little foolish for having such a freak out. On the "cheapie cheapie" tests (which is what I call these kind of tests) the line has progressively turned darker from 5d5pdt to 7dp5dt and the EPT ones looked exactly the same if not yesterday's being a darker line.

I look at yesterday as being a sign to me to STOP the insanity and surrender to the process until Thursday.

Another symptom? My boobs are getting bigger. Now, I'm a small girl to start with so any growth means "big" in my book. Normally before my period, my breasts would swell, but they would always be super tender and tight. This is different. They are tender, but squishy. More fuller around the rims, I can even see shadows in the mirror now. I will enjoy my new found boobs!

Only one full day left besides today and I will find out everything for sure. I just want the band-aid to be ripped off and the truth to be known. Until then, I’ll just keep munching my vegetables, drinking my water, taking my prenatals and being patient.

7dp5dt

Ok, so now I know why IVFers tell you not to pee on a stick (POAS). This morning I woke up and as part of my daily ritual lately, I peed on three sticks. All showed pregnant of course, but I jumped into my analytic work mode.

"Why isn't today's line darker than yesterday's line?"

"Is that thinner? It looks thinner? Do you think I'm losing the pregnancy?"

I burst into tears. Every time I come across something that feels it could threaten this pregnancy, my heart beats loudly in my chest, I feel light headed and there are stars in front of my face. It is a devastation I cannot describe.

Calling my husband into the bathroom to examine the tests, he unfortunately agreed with me, that yes, today's line was a teeny tiny lighter than yesterday's line. I took another test only 5 minutes later (where do I get this extra urine from???) and this test came out much better, much darker than the one I took minutes ago, but still not as perfect and dark as yesterday's line.

Sitting on the bathroom stool, I wept, staring at those bastard tests, wishing all of it would be over already. I'm so dramatic when these things occur. Searching frantically online, I see many people saying "Don't worry about the strength of the line, if there is a second line you are pregnant, period."

It seems like no information is good information, and now the only thing that will make feel better will be to hear my clinic say "Well, we have good news, your beta results came in as XXX".

As long as they say that, I will stop worrying so much that this will be a failed pregnancy. Man, I'd hate to have to be the lady that calls people with that news. Hopefully it will be my favorite Nurse S. who calls me with the news. She could make something bad sound not too bad. But I don't care who calls, just as long as it's good news.

So, my husband and I agreed, no more peeing on sticks. It only serves to drive me absolutely batty and does nothing but make me worry and stress out even more. So as hard as it will be, I will let the next three days go by without even touching those devilish things. They are certainly good for confirming pregnant or not pregnant, but they SUCK when it comes to confirming that HCG levels are rising. I'm still feeling overly cautious. I feel foolish for even saying I'm pregnant until I get the confirmation from the doctor. So for now, little Poppy, you hang in there and keep multiplying and digging in.

I'm really scared folks. If I lost this pregnancy, I'll be crushed. Seriously crushed. Three days have never seemed so far away.

6dp5dt - yaaaaawn

Still pregnant. *grin*

Today's HPT results yielded darker lines (you know, on all 4 of the tests I took, seriously, I'm crazy). One of the biggest symptoms that is happening is I'm SOOOO tired. I started noticing this 3 days ago, but today really took it's toll. After waking up around 8am, I was ready for a nap around 1 and slept for another couple of hours. I feel like I just want to curl up in my bed for hours and stay there for a loooong time.

My beta test is four days away and I have good feelings about it. I'm really thinking this pregnancy is going to stick. (positive thinking, right?)

It's very confusing the way pregnancy is measured, basically by the time you find out your pregnant, you're usually 4 weeks along.

Snipped from a website to describe it:

"A woman's menstrual cycle is on average 28 days long. Using this 28-day average, fertilisation or conception normally occurs at around day 14 or the middle of your cycle (2 weeks after your last period and 2 weeks before your next period). Although (based on an average 28-day cycle) conception is likely to occur on day 14 of your cycle; the start of your pregnancy is actually calculated from the start date of your last menstrual period (LMP), or day 1 of your cycle.

Given this method of calculation, your pregnancy is measured in what is termed gestational weeks, as opposed to being measured from the actual day of conception. Counting from the first day of your LMP, there are 40 gestational weeks of pregnancy. Assuming that you have a 28-day cycle, in gestational weeks 1 and 2, your baby is waiting to be conceived. On day 14,and at the start of gestational week 3, your baby has just been created. By the end of gestational week 3, the actual age of your baby is one week."

So based on this IVF calculator, I am 3 weeks and 4 days along in my pregnancy. If all goes well, my "due date" is around October 22, 2008.

But I won't get too ahead of myself just yet. M and I have both taken off work on Thursday so that we will both go into the doctor's appt and we will both be home to recieve "the call". As with everything so far, we've video taped every step along the way, including the failed vasectomy reversal. When that phone rings, we're turning on the camera, putting the phone on speaker and bracing ourselves. For good or for bad, we want to capture it all.

Again, I have good feelings about this pregnancy and I'm not gonna let it get me down. I certainly won't be broadcasting anything to anyone anytime soon (except to family) but I am ready to be out of the dreaded waiting period. I'm ready to start thinking about the 'normal' things women think about when pregnant, like baby clothes, slings, diapers, creating a nursery....all of that.

I return to work tomorrow and besides this lethargy, I look forward to being distracted and focused on something other than Poppy. *snicker* Oh yeah, because the little blastocyst is the size of a poppy seed, I've decided to call it 'Poppy' for now. (talk about not getting ahead of myself!)

Alright, off to bed early for me. I'm sooooo tired.

5dp5dt

Yeah, that's right folks, it says "Pregnant".

After saying "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" one hundred and fifteen times, I finally let it sink in.

As part of my morning routine, I sipped my coffee and peed on a stick. I set the stick next to my bed on my night stand and called my mom to help her with some online banking stuff. A couple minutes into the conversation, I glance over at the stick and instead of seeing snow white, I see a small glimmer of a second line.

"Uh, mom. Can you hold on a second?"

I took the stick and went into the bathroom turning on all the lights. Sure enough, a very, very faint second line.

No way, I thought. Somehow, I was able to pee again (by the grace of god, don't ask me how) and this time I used one of those expensive digital tests. I had peed on one of the digital tests 3 days ago to see if my HCG trigger shot was out of my system, and it flashed a big "Not Pregnant" across the screen.

Well, this time? I counted the hour glass blinking, 20 times and a fat "Pregnant" appeared on the screen.

No effin way, I thought!

Running down to show M, he was surprised and yet still cautious and we did our omgs and hugged each other. I still can't believe it yet, just no way.

Since I'm only 5dp5dt, I'm gonna contain my excitement for now. If I wake up tomorrow, and I have another line, I'm not gonna contain my excitement.

Ultimately, my beta test on Thursday will tell me if the pregnancy is viable, so Thursday will be the celebration day if it pans out.

But for now, I'll bask in the glow of newness and keep my fingers crossed.

*screeeeammmm!*

4dp5dt

Not much to report 'round these parts so I'll make it quick.

I caved and took an HPT yesterday and today, both negative. Which, of course is expected, but I am of a weak will and those little pee sticks called my name. "Come to us, pee on us" they said. I obliged. Cause that's the kinda girl I am.

Today I peed on one and jumped into the shower. I knew when I stepped out and looked at it that it would be snow white. When my expectations were met and indeed it was snow white without any hope of a line, I said 'damn' silently to myself and dropped it into the trash. I pushed it deep into the trash, as though somehow it would jinx future tests or something. I also didn't want to see it staring back at me the next time I threw something away.

I asked for this, so I can't get too upset too early. It's about 3 days too early to really get solid results, but I balance not knowing and knowing, and knowing always wins. I suppose if I were a veteran at this if it would be different. I read something really funny (or not so funny really) on an IVF Veteran forum (those who have gone through IVF 4+ times) and a woman said:

"You know you're an IVF veteran when you get your negative beta results while at the liquor store."

Made me chuckle anyway. I'm not holding my belly any longer, and I'm feeling a little more cautious about the whole she-bang. I know a lot of women are of the approach "I'm just gonna say I'm pregnant til proven wrong", well now I'm in the mindset of "I don't know if this is going to work, so I need to prepare for it not to" mindset. I suppose the first days were the honeymoon phase where it's just neat to think that you have a creature in your belly. And the newness of all of that. But now? Now, I'm ready to carry on in life and go back to work, and find some distractions to get my mind of this little guy or girl.

Someone from school pinged me on IM today and said he had a dream about me, that I came to class with a "big ole belly". I love it when people have dreams like that. I believe deeply in the supernatural and flowing energy between people and these things only give me more hope. Even if it's not this cycle, it will be one cycle.

I've got to think of this as a process. This is not a yes or no moment for us. Each cycle is approximately $12,000 and we are blessed to have insurance pay for this first cycle, it will be out of pocket if we do a second cycle, but I'm blessed we will be able to do that as well. Can you tell I'm preparing myself for a failure? I'm protecting my heart, you know.

On the symptoms front, the past two days I have experienced some lethargy. Yawning at the strangest moments, feeling like I need little cat naps here and there, feeling a little spacy. Yesterday I felt some strong cramping and stabbing pains in my uterus, but today not so much. Maybe he implanted yesterday? If so, the HCG hormone would start producing in a couple days.

If I don't get a positive line by Monday, well, then, I think we should hold off on the cause for celebration. I think I'll wait until I get home from work because if it's negative, I'll be a sad girl throughout the day, and my work requires me to be "on" for at least 5-8 hours. I have several meetings already booked for Monday and have been off for two weeks now. I'll definitely wait until I get home.

I am becoming enlightened in this process. I love speaking to other women who are going through the same thing, I love even more to help them, inform them, encourage them, challenge their way of thinking. I love women, period. Such wonderful creatures we are....

My boobs aren't sore, the nausea has tapered down a bit (except last night's spaghetti grew fangs and dared me to eat it), I didn't take the dare and instead nibbled on bread. I'm down to 111 pounds from 117 but I think 6 of those pounds were my eggs. That's a joke.

I "met" this woman Paty online who is going through an IVF cycle, she also has a blog and on that blog is this amazing song that I listen to probably 5 times a day. It really touches me and is often just what I need to release my tears and frustration of the day. It's called "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush and I'll list the lyrics below. It just makes sense. (Thanks, Paty!)

This Woman's Work

Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.

I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.

Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.

I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things we should've said,
That were never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.


So much for quick. :-) That's it for tonight.

3dp5dt

Today I woke up feeling strangely normal. I don't know why but this makes me pessimistic. Yesterday, I felt several uterine cramps, was generally uncomfortable but felt 'pregnant'. Today, not so much. :-(

I've been researching the hell out of HCG levels in one's first beta test (beta test is the blood test at the docs) and I found an incredible site that gathers data from other women in the same position.

85% of normal pregnancies will have the HCG level double every 72 hours. The unfortunate thing is depending on which site you go to, you will get different information as far as what your HCG levels "should be".

"Ovulation" is considered the same day as egg retrieval, thus I would be "15 days past ovulation" when I take my beta test on Thursday.

Here are a couple of charts for singleton pregnancies: (click for a bigger picture)





Basically, it looks like I should be aiming for an HCG level of 100-300. This comes with the caveat that this is the standard, not the exception. There have been women who have had low beta numbers and went on to carry successful pregnancies, however oftentimes low beta numbers mean the pregnancy is about to fail.

Today is a non-emotional day. I feel bad for being a Negative Nancy, but I suppose not all days can be sugar-coated. I think I'm starting to protect myself and prepare for a failure.

I'm looking forward to the distraction of taking my final exam today for school. I'm looking forward to thinking of something other than the little creature in my belly.

And damn if I'm not looking forward to some Mexican food tonight!

2dp5dt

Two days past a five day transfer. 2dp5dt - this is the type of lingo IVFers use when describing what stage of the 2ww they are in. 2ww - stands for "two week wait" which really isn't two weeks from the transfer, but rather two weeks from the egg retrieval.

The day coming home from the transfer was surreal. Where I never have before, I was now conscious of anything I was ingesting from pain medication like aleve to food. (Apparently, Tylenol is the only safe thing to take, pregnancy included.)

That day I also stopped the PIO injections and moved on to a progesterone vaginal suppository 3 times a day. Yeah, you heard me three times a day. Apparently, i will continue those suppositories until my 10th week of pregnancy and stop them if our little embryo doesn't "stick".

The problem with supplementing progesterone is it gives you all the same symptoms that you would have if you were pregnant. For example, I have been nauseous as hell since I came home from the transfer. Food smells differently to me, food tastes differently right now, and I have big aversions to food like Krispy Kreme donuts. My wonderful husband brought home KK donuts the day of transfer and I took one bite and had to hold in my vomit.

Ugh. Then last night we went to our favorite pizza place and the ceaser salad tasted way too potent and my slice of pizza seemed to stare at with me a death glare and take me on a roller coaster fifty times. needless to say, I passed the slice to M. (except when we walked out of the pizza place I wanted Mexican food! I wanted chips and cheese, mmmmmm!)

The other kick in the ass (and I promise I'll get to the less negative things in a moment) is from day of transfer until this morning (3 days) I've woken up in the middle of the night with the WORST headache. The kind of headache that makes you crawl to the shower and sit under the hot water for a half an hour. I don't know if I have a crick in my neck, if it's the meds or what, but M promised he'd work on my neck and shoulders tonight to see if I can prevent another one tonight.

Ok, negative shit over. Now it's time to talk about my emotions.

I know it's silly to get my hopes up right now, I know there is a 50% chance our little guy will pass on - but I can't help feeling such a bond with this little creature. I touch my belly and I swear I feel this closeness, even if it is psychological, I feel a closeness and a comfort I cannot describe.

Yesterday I was doing the dishes and staring to the ocean (we live close to the water) and the wind was blowing just right, the birds were flying in the sky, I had Deep Forest's 'Sweet Lullaby' playing on my I-pod - I held my belly, closed my eyes and slowly swayed to the music. I was so happy. So thrilled to be here, so filled with hope.

I'm imagining our son our daughter going with us to the pizza place, or taking him to the zoo, I'm imagining family dinners at the table and breastfeeding my wonderful baby. I'm imagining the amazing grace and pain of childbirth and the miracle that all of this could end up as.

All of this is so overwhelming, that just writing it makes me shed tears. I want this so badly, probably more than anything else in my entire life, and the fact that it is completely out of my control is nervewracking. We only have hope, hope, hope.

From what I can glean, M is a little freaked out. While I'm holding my belly and talking to my 7 day old embryo, M doesn't want to do the same. He is afraid of getting attached to it, and then losing it. I know he is just as excited and happy as I am, but he doesn't want to 'humanize' the embryo yet because he's scared it will go away. I am too, and perhaps I will regret forming a bond so quickly, but I can't help it. It IS a human, it IS our baby, it IS a piece of us. And even if it does pass on, it was still with us for a brief period of time.

I've peed on enough pregnancy tests to now know the HCG hormone is out of my system so any detection of HCG from this point on will be coming from the baby, and not a previous injection. (For you IVFers out there, it left my system on Day 9.)

There is a big debate with IVF women, to pee or not to pee on a stick before your official doctor's pregnancy test. But come on. I'm a type A woman, there is no way I couldn't pee on a stick. That sounds like torture frankly, and plus I think it's important that M and I already know the results before we take the blood test.

And my official pregnancy test date? Valentine’s Day. That's right folks. You heard me right. Valentine's Day. So it's either going to be a very happy one, or a very sad one. We already made reservations for a nice steakhouse no matter the results, and I've taken the day off of work so I wouldn't have to deal with work people after finding out the results, good or bad.

So, on 2-14, I have an appointment at 8:30am and they said they would call me within 4 hours to tell me the results. When an embryo implants itself into a woman's womb, it begins emitting a hormone called HCG. Grocery store pregnancy tests also test for the same thing in a woman's urine, HCG but the amount of HCG usually has to exceed 25 or so for those tests to catch it. The blood test at the doctor's will determine exactly what my HCG levels are. The kicker here is, the embryo could have stuck, produced HCG and then died. The blood test will tell me if my HCG levels are "right on track" or not. If they are, I come in a few days later for another blood test and the levels should be doubling by then. If the levels have doubled appropriately, then I don't go back to the doctor until 7 weeks of pregnancy for my first ultrasound to see the heart beating.

If we make it that far, then that will be the last engagement with the fertility clinic and then it's off to find a midwife for the rest of the pregnancy. But I won't get too ahead of myself, even writing that feels far fetched and unrealistic. Like I don't want to jinx it or something.

As far as a HPT (HPT - home pregnancy test) - I think I can safely test about 7dp5dt. I've seen some women get positives as early as 5dp5dt but I think to be on the safe side, I should wait until at least Monday before testing. I don't know if I will be able to hold out this long, so we will see.

Otherwise I've been eating pineapple as instructed by my acupuncturist (it contains an enzyme bromelain that supposedly assists in implantation) and have generally been off my feet and avoiding stress as much as possible. I go back to work next Monday (working from home the next 3 days) and I'm sorta looking forward to that, to have human engagement again. I'm not looking forward to the questions of "Well, did it work?" and such, but I've decided my answer will be "Just don't know yet".

*deep breath*

M has been so good to me throughout this entire cycle, it's been such a blessing to have him by my side through all of this. So today is another day, and I just may perhaps dance again when I do the dishes in a couple hours.

Because although it may be in vain, maybe one day I can tell our son or daughter how I held them by putting my hand on my belly, looking to the water and just hoped. Hoped. Hoped. Hope. Hoping. Hope.

CD 19 - ET Over!

Wow.

We're here. It's over.

Our little baby blast made it's way to momma's home at 1:38pm today. It was a perfect blast, Grade AA, and they were able to freeze another one. They said there is one more growing that might also make it to freezing which would be awesome, totally awesome.

I did the acupuncture treatment prior to the transfer and that was relaxing. I kept having to pee throughout the entire experience which again, was excruciating but I dealt with it ok.

After the acunpuncture, M came into the room with me and dressed in dark blue scrubs. He looked so handsome and doctor like! I put on my own booties and headcovering and Dr. O came peeked his head into the room and said "It's good, it all looks good!" He said he'd be right back but because we hadn't heard about our embryos since Day 3, he wanted to let us know as soon as possible.

A couple minutes later Dr. O and Dr. W came in and showed us the most beautiful picture of our double A blastocyst. I started crying, it was beautiful. In it's cell gooey goodness, it was there - a piece of M, a piece of me, our child was there in front of me - "Your first baby picture!" said the docs.

He explained that we definitely made the right decision to go to a day 5 and congratulated us on the decision. "You made a really good call, folks. Great job."

Ahhhh, how rewarding. All the obsessive research pays off. After signing papers that said we did indeed want to transfer the little one over, they took me to the operating room.

M video taped the whole thing! I don't know if they realized he was recording it all, but he did, and I will post it when we get it up and running. Again, I was in incredible pain with my overly full bladder. It was all I could to refrain from peeing all over myself so instead I tried to focus on one screw in the ceiling.

The embryologist came out and said she was going to turn on the camera so we could see our little embie on the big screen. There he/she was! In all it's glory, there was our little baby sitting there looking at us with a big smile. (Ok, so it wasn't really smiling but I can think so!)

In goes the catheter, and in went our little embryo. The embryologist takes the catheter back to the lab to make sure that it did indeed transfer and wasn't still in the tube, and it was definitely gone from the petri dish.

And then that was it! The nurse brought me a bed pan and I peed for what seemed like 10 minutes. They wheeled me into the recovery room where I had another acupuncture appointment (and again they had to bring me a bedpan in the middle of all this, I'm telling you I was peeing constantly.)

After the acupuncture appointment, they all said goodbye and sent us on our way! We ate a small lunch and now I'm propped up in bed.

I really, really hope this works. It was a very long journey getting here, but ultimately it's brought my husband and I even closer than we already were. I don't know what I would do without him.

And at last, a picture of our little guy or girl. Isn't he cuttttte?

CD 19 - Here we go! Transfer Day

30 minutes until we leave. Oh my god!

I'm so excited. What a plethora of emotions today.

I went and bought new comfy pants, comfy shirt, comfy socks and a comfy pull over sweater just so I could be SUPER comfy today.

The only Suck I have to look forward to is what I've been doing since 7am this morning and that's drinking tons of water. Because you have to have a full FULL FULL bladder for transfer, you have to continue to drink water.

Well last time I did this (for my mock transfer) I thought I was going to die. I was in an extreme amount of pain and discomfort, could barely focus on anything, and wanted NOTHING more than to pee.

Not all fertility clinics have this requriement, but having a full bladder during transfer makes it easier for the docs to see where the uterus is, and where to drop our little guy into place.

I can safely say driving home by myself having to pee more than I've ever had to pee, was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was sick, sweating, cramping, I couldn't even pull over to go a fast food restaurant, I drove like 70-80 to get home and then left the car door open and ran to the house as fast I could.

I can also safely say that is the first time that peeing in my pants in the car was not a bad idea. I keep drinking water, then taking short little tinkle breaks of about five seconds. Enough not to have the horrible pressure, but still know it's filling up.

Alright, time to dress in my new comfy clothes.

We're leaving two people, and coming back three! Ok, two and .005. :D

CD 18 - We're headed to a 5-day transfer!

I'm so excited and happy.

The embryologist called us at 11am like he said he would.

He had good news. He said six of my embryos are still surviving, including the two duds mentioned earlier. (my little duds, don't pick on my duds!)

He graded them as three perfect Grade A Embryos, 2 Grade B embryos and 1 B- or C.

This is incredible news!!! If it had been only ONE good one, we would have had to transfer today. If it were TWO good embryos, we would have to have decided on 1 or 2 and transferred today. If there were THREE good ones, we would have leaned towards a 5 day transfer, but the risk would be greater.

But we have three SUPERIOR embryos, and one GOOD one!! The doctor asked me the same question that I've heard ever since I decided to do my eSET and that is

"Would you rather have one failed cycle or twins?"

The answer has been (although the past 24 hours I've been wishy washy) that I would rather repeat another fresh IVF cycle, then have a twin pregnancy. And in the grand scheme of things, this is the truth. You know how when you go to a pet store and you see that cute little puppy? And there's nothing more in the world that you would rather do than take that little puppy home and love him and cuddle him?

But you know you already have a no pet policy on your rental, or two other dogs to take care of, and you know you really shouldn't do it. But oh wait, that puppy, look how cute it is and how quickly my needs would get met by taking this puppy home!

And I want nothing more than to get pregnant, and I know one day I will be. But it takes painful restraint not to increase my odds to have my needs immediately satisfied despite an overall undesirable long term outcome.

He said that because we're wanting a singleton, that he would recommend stretching these six to Day 5. He said he thought there would at least be one 5-day to transfer, and that yes it's a gamble, but a pretty decent one considering our results today.

So, we're waiting until Monday to see which one of the embryos is the "winner". If the other couple qualify, we can freeze them for future cycles.

It feels so good to have this decision made. Scary, but good. It was SUCH a relief that all four had survived, and that three were graded as "perfect" on Day 3. Thank god!!!

So now, I wait about 48 hours and then there's no turning back. I'm coming home with a belly full of embryo and ain't anyone stopping me!

Sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at the craziness.

Thank you for all of your love and kind words to all of my family and friends.

Here here to educating and advocating for oneself. It can be difficult, but it's so worth it.


Grow little babies, grow.

CD 18 - Transfer Day?

Oh my, my.

What a life we lead....to give an update from yesterday, our clinic knew we were not satisfied with the information we've been given thus far, and had their embrylogist call us so we can talk apples to apples.

While the discussion was informative, we're still in a place where we don't know what to decide. Dr. W said that sperm aspirated embryos tend not to do as well as ejaculated sperm created embryos. He said that the embryo would be better "housed" in my uterus than in a petri dish.

While I've heard that aspirated sperm doesn't freeze well, and often times has a lower fertilization rate, I've yet to come across anything that says that embryos from aspirated sperm don't often make it as long as embryos from ejaculated sperm.

So, the question is now: Do we transfer today or wait until Monday?

What I've read:
-Day 5 blasts give everyone a better idea on the "surviving/thriving" embryos
-Day 3 embryos placed back into the uterus, aren't really in their 'natural environment' because in a natural cycle, the embryo is still hanging out in the fallopian tubes at Day 3, not a uterus.
-It is possible for NO embryos to reach Day 5, there is controversy around whether or not this is because they would have died anyway, or if they would have done better in a more natural environment.

I unfortuantely (or fortunately) ran across this transcript online: http://www.sharedjourney.com/articles/3vs5.html

With the way this doctor talks, anything less than a 5 day transfer of one embryo and you're basically asking for a failure. Here are a couple of quotes:

"The primary reason embryos do not make it to the blastocyst stage is because they do not possess the necessary genetic instructions for continued growth. No one can change or improve the genetics of an embryo. Assuming the lab is competent (and most are), there is no "risk" associated with continuing to culture the embryos to the blastocyst stage."

"There are numerous reasons for continuing to perform day three transfers: its cheaper, its less work for the lab, lower liability because the lab has the embryos for a shorter period of time, everybody makes it to transfer, if the cycle doesn't result in a pregnancy, the program can still look good, etc. You'll notice I didn't say anything about a day 3 transfer improving your chances of getting pregnant - it doesn't. The reason programs continue to transfer day 3 embryos is because its more convenient for the lab and the docs."

This information conflicts with much of of what I've read, but it does seem to make the most logical sense. I mean if the embryo doesn't implant until Day 5 or 6, then what the hell do they do in there for 2 or 3 days? And how do you know you transferred one of the ones that would have eventually made it to a Day 5 blast?

This is all even more anxiety provoking when you're in the boat with us, and only want one baby. This wouldn't be such a tough decision if we were transferring many, but because we only want one, the decision of 3 day or 5 day is a significant one. My gut tells me 5 day, but if I stretch it out to 5 days and none of them survive, I will have gone through all of this for NOTHING. But does this mean that none of my embryos would have made it to the blast stage anyway? "The point of growing embryos to the blastocyst stage in the laboratory is to deliberately weed out the embryos that do not have the genetic potential for continued growth. The "risk" you speak of doesn't really exist. If they're gonna make it, they do. If they don't, they don't."

There's no data out there that will tell me one way or another.

So here I am, up early in the morning, on what could be my transfer day, and I'm surfing the thousands of websites for any tid bits of information that will give me better information to make this decision.

My clinic is good, but I cannot say they have OUR best interests in minds. Only we do.

At 11am today, the embryologist is calling back to discuss what the status of our remaining six embryos are. He indicated he thinks only 4 will make the cut, and then it's about seeing if we want to transfer one today or stretch it out to Monday.

He also seemed to infer transferring two on Day 3 would be a good idea, but this holds the same >55% twin rate as when I started this journey. I'm just not sure if I do a 3 day transfer, if I should do 1 or 2.

Why am I so scared of twins? Do I really need to have a reason? Why does this have to be beggars can't be choosers?

Another update when the decision has been made for today.

Wish us luck.

CD 17 - Update on the 8 embies

8 - 2 = 6.

Two of our eight embies have passed on.

6 - 2 = 4.

Two of our six embies are about to pass on.

We have four "nicely growing" embryos. This makes things a little tricky, especially when we are wanting to transfer one five day blastocyst as opposed to one or two 3 day embryos.

If we lose another one, or god forbid two, then a 3 day transfer is the only sane way to go, else we risk losing ALL of our embryos and having nothing to transfer.

If all four make it and are in great shape, do we risk bringing all four out to day five? 40% of all embryos make it to Day 5 and if I started with 8 then 40% would be almost 4 making it to day 5 but who the hell really believes statistics when it comes to life. (sigh)

I asked the IVF coordinator what "nicely growing embryos" meant in numbers. Did it mean they had reached 4 cells? 3 cells? 5 cells? I needed more information. I had to remind her that we were hoping to go to day 5 and that I felt we needed more information than we were getting.

The kicker of it all is, the "go or no go" decision is made tomorrow. Over the phone. I told her I didn't think we were prepared to make a decision over the phone and if anything we'd like to see pictures and understand grading of our embryos. I can feel myself being the totally aggressive patient, and my "womanly" ways feels guilty about this, but I know I have to take the reins of my own health and this is one of those times. This is not the moment to surrender.

She said she would call, or have someone call with another update today. It was ambiguous and I was confused. I called my favorite Nurse S and left her a message saying I wanted to talk to her and get some more information about the process that I'm going to experience tomorrow. M wants to join the conference call, so I will 3-way him in, it's just the last thing I want to worry about right now. Edit: They just called back - they're going to have the embryologist call me and talk to me and M. :D



I feel sad that my little embryos are kicking the bucket, I hope at least one stays around long enough to hang out for awhile.

CD 17 - Intramuscular injection (IM) Shots - Progesterone in Oil

So, as an IVFer, you always hear about the dreaded IM shots.

Let me define IM for you. IM stands for Intramuscular Injection. As in, no more baby shots in the stomach, those sub-Q shots that we take advantage of early on in the IVf cycle, these injections go into your muscle. They are an inch and a half long and the entire needle must go into your muscle in order for it to be effective.

Sounds terrifying, doesn't it? Well, I'm hear to debunk some false rumors. They really aren't that bad. Yes, they are a bit more of a pain in the ass than the sub-q shots, but they are basically the same thing, except in your butt, and it takes longer to push the meds through because the ingrediant is Progesterone in Oil (PIO), a thicker substance that takes longer to push all the way out.

You also hear about all of these tricks of the trade, to ice it first, to heat it first, to get Lidocain patches. All of it. Well, I got the Lidocain patches but they aren't that great, so I've resolved myself to ice and that works just fine. You ice the injection site for about two minutes, and you're good to go. Make sure your hubby massages the area for like 30 seconds afterwards to break up the medicine in your muscle. It feels good too, to have the area rubbed.

However, I am here to say, the bitch about the PIO shots, is not the inch and a half needle, it's not the injection, and it's not even the plunging. It's how SORE your butt is afterward. Remember when you were in highschool and you started a sport and for like a full week your body hurt so bad you could barely walk? Or you start working out after a long time of not working out and your calves burn so bad it hurts to walk? It's kind of like that. Each side of my butt is terribly sore, it does hurt to walk, and it feels as though I have an old, persistent charlie horse in each leg. I've been taking hot baths to relieve the soreness but mostly I'm just chalking it up to experiences that I've had like this before.

Like when my brother kneed me in the thigh at Christmas and it hurt for WEEKS! This is less pain than that, I'll keep telling myself that! :-)

I'm calling the clinic today at 2pm with hubby on conference. We're going to ask them to give us a cell count on Day 2 and see if they'll give it to us. I suppose it is going a bit over board to ask how they are progressing on Day 2 but I've learned so much that it will give me better information into the long run.

We're really, really, hoping for a 5 day blastocyst.

Otherwise, my embryo transfer will be tomorrow!!

CD 16 -Grading Embryos

So, it's like my embryos are on American Idol. They're being harshly judged right now and sized up in about 20 different ways.

There are two different grading scales, one for 3 day or earlier embryos, and a grading schedule for 5 day embryos as well. Below is a depiction of this grading, and what type of cell division is expected in these next couple days.

CD 16- Fertilization Report

8 of my eggs fertilized!!!!! We officially have 8 embryos growing! Oh my god!!!

The IVF coordinator called and said she had a "wonderful fertilization report" for us and told me that 8 were successfully fertilized. This is such great news. I really was thinking it would only be around 3-5 but this is better than expected.

They said if I have a 3 day transfer, then I would go in at 1:30pm this Saturday. because I'm having acupuncture done before and after, the acupunturist told me to be there at 12:15pm. I get to take a valium-like substance before I go, to calm the woman as much as possible, and I'm bringing my Ipod. Corny, but I think I'll listen to Enya. Or maybe download some Deep Forest. I'm gonna sit there and visualize the embryo falling gently onto my uterine wall and snuggling deep in my womb.

I asked them what the next steps were, and they said they would call me on Saturday to tell me the results of my embryos, how many had passed on, how many were thriving, how many were still hanging in there. Inside I thought, Saturday??? What the hell? You have my eight kids and you're not gonna tell me what's happening with them for another two days? I think not.

So, I told her I'd like more information on the cell division occuring with each of my embryos. I asked if it was possible for someone to call me tomorrow and let me know how many cells each of them had formed. She seemed surprised, but said yes I could call her tomorrow and she would give me that information. I beamed inside. I'm already being a protective parent, you see??

I'm just so thrilled. M is also happy and called himself a "stud". This sounds just about right to me!

More about cell development in a bit.

CD 15- Egg Retrieval - Conception Day

Wow. What an experience.

My friend E, husband M and I piled into the car and headed to the clinic around 730am. Both of us had neither eaten or had anything to drink since midnight (ok, so m cheated, he had some coffee, but he HAS to have his coffee). I woke up feeling excited, and not really nervous. I woke up feeling invigorated, like I just transitioned into the next stage of this process (well, I did) and that this could really work.

Today I felt like I could climb a mountain. (except for my whole chickeneggweightbelt I was wearing.) M and I wore comfy pajamas (I wore my bear pajamas, rock!!). It was very comfortable.

They took us back and since we were both having procedures done, they said we could room together! It was so nice having him right next to me throughout the whole thing. We dressed in our paper gowns tied at the back, put on our booties and shower cap. We took a bunch of video and generally screwed around laughing. Occasionally we would hold each other, and I shed a couple tears along the way.

All the clinic staff were so nice to us, everyone was just so sweet and helpful and catering to our needs. It was very nice. The needle guy came in and said it was time to hook me up to an IV. That went by without incident, and soon I was receiving fluids. Another nurse came in to get me and M and I said our goodbyes.

The room I walked into was more 'operating room' like, and there was a big monitor with my name and birthdate on the screen. The needle man was obviously hooking up my sedation, and they covered me in warm blankets. A woman came in and asked me to confirm my name, my birthdate, my reason for being here today. I satisfied all of her questions and she left as quickly as she came. Dr. L came in and asked how I was doing. I was thankful he pulled down his mask when he spoke to me. It was much more human. I remember someone asking me where I worked and I told them. Then I remember they asked me what I did. This was the last thing I remember!

All of a sudden, it was my husband in my face asking me if I was ok. When I woke up I had a considerable amount of pain. I was too groggy to communicate this but luckily my husband knows me so well he told them I needed something asap. They put more pain meds into my IV and the pain dulled. I could still feel it, but it wasn't as achy.

I lay dozing for a minute or two and they walked M to his operating room. After about a half an hour or so they wheeled him back in, and I was so happy to see him. All I wanted to do was take care of him and stroke his hair and see how he was doing. Corny, I know. But I didn't want him to feel any pain. He was funny again in his rambling he does while coming back from conscious sedation. He was asking the IV guy about his years of schooling and began rambling incessantly. The nurses chuckled and I smiled, my wonderful husband.

The docs came in and said they went into both testicles and took sperm from both. The right one apparently had more than enough but that was the second one they tapped. So, we're all good on that front.

As far as I'm concerned, they said they found 10 eggs. This is a little disappointing but I'm not gonna let it get me down. I suspect out of those 10, that 5 will be mature and available for fertilization which would give us about 3-5 embryos to play with. Since we're only looking for one *really good one*, we're not as freaked out as we would be if we were looking for two or three good ones. The docs call me tomorrow to let me know how many of my eggs were mature officially and how many of the eggs fertilized.

Just think, M and I have combined our genes and created cell-like creatures that are sitting in petri dishes right now! Us! Our genes! Our children! It sounds macabre, but I like to think of all of those embryos as little souls, even the ones that pass to the other side. Maybe they will come back another time, or in another form, like a favorite pet or something.

Overall, the pain is not bad. It's a little uncomfortable to move around. It definitely feels like something happened in there. I'm spotting, but they said that's normal. Mostly, I'm just so proud of us as a couple, and of me for getting to this stage. After a failed vasectomy reversal, two weeks of birth control, 30 plus days of injections, a month of diagnostic procedures, heartache and hope - we have finally gotten to the stage where others can now take action. This is where science is needed, and M and I step back and observe until it's time to make decisions.

A big thank you to my friend, E who sat in the clinic waiting for us so patiently and drove us to and from. And thank you for pulling over when I had to puke on the way home from the sedation. You kick ass!


To my little embryos out there growing right now - may you produce additional cells and be as strong as your mother and dad.

CD 14- Egg Retrieval Tomorrow

I have school to attend tonight, and then I'll be 100% focused on the rest of this IVF process.

I went in for another blood draw today, my progesterone level definitely felt the impacts of the HCG shot last night, from .5 to 5 today. My estrogen level slightly increased to 1500. I'm a little nervous that my estrogen level isn't as high as it should be, but we'll see.

Tomorrow I start the dreaded IM injections, so we'll see how those go.

I was a little disappointed, the nurse had originally said she'd give me some kick ass pain pills after the ER - but when I talked to her today, she said it she was only going to give Tylenol 3. Apparently, we grew up in different eras, cause Tylenol 3 ain't kick ass in my book. ;-)

I've been on the same IVF cycle as several online buddies via IVFconnections.com and all of them are starting to go through their ERs and stuff, preparing for transfer. It should be interesting to see the results of all of our transfers.

Ok, off to school, I cannot WAIT until this class ends tonight. Then it all becomes real.

Next Steps
Egg Retrieval tomorrow
Sperm Aspiration tomorrow
Fertilization Report on Thursday

CD 13- Day 10 of Stims - Trigger Day!

The clinic just called - it's trigger night! Holy be-jesus, this is it!

Tonight I give myself one last stimulation drug, and one huge dosage of HCG, and wait for egg retrieval on Wednesday!!


Estrogen Levels:

Estrogen Level on Suppression Check: 32
Estrogen Level on Day 3 of stims: 80
Estrogen Level on Day 5 of stims: 192
Estrogen Level on Day 7 of stims: 529
Estrogen Level on Day 9 of stims: 1157
Estrogen Level on Day 10 of stims: 1435

And in other news, here are MY growing follicles. One of these could be half of my daughter or son! :D






Next Steps:
HCG Trigger Shot Today
Blood Work On Tuesday
Egg Retrieval on Wednesday!

CD 13- Day 10 of Stims - Ow, I'm sore

Holy ovulation batman.

I'm a full chicken carrying a bunch of eggs, let me tell you.

Today was the first day of the IVF cycle that I woke really feeling sore. It's kind of like menstrual cramps, but less irritating. There is a fullness that runs up my entire back and circles around my stomach. Kind of like carrying a weightbelt around you or something, but oh wait, let me punch you in the gut first, then put on the weight belt, then that's what it feels like.

They said absolutely no IB profen, and to stick with Tylenol. M and I went to the fertility clinic at 8am (in the snow no less) and we had the vaginal ultrasound first. I was dreading it since my last two were painful. This one showed a screen full of follicles and a nice thick uterine lining. Dr. O said I may trigger tonight or tomorrow night! If tonight, then my egg retrieval will be Wednesday morning, and if tomorrow, then ER is Thursday. That's so soon!

Apparently the ER sucks and hurts, but I'm feeling pretty tough right now, so I'm sure I'll get through it. Just as long as I have the pain pills, the TV and my husband, I'll get through.

Today, Dr. O was good to us. My husband has convinced me he was just having a couple bad days and now things are better. The skeptic in me keeps one eye open, but overall I suppose he could be right. Today Dr. O came in and was jovial, courteous and even offered for us to take all the pictures of my follicles home. I'll make a post of those later. (maybe I should name them? heh.)

Everything is happening in the next couple days and I'm excited! I'm also trying my best to prepare for a failed cycle. I think our chances are really around 35-40% on this cycle. We thought about switching to another fertility clinic if this one fails, and that's still a possiblity.

I'm not the most religious person in the world, (in fact I tend to lend more towards Buddhism than anything) but the phrase "it's in God's hands now" really resonates with me.

Because it's so true. We've done the best we can. And there's not anything more we can do. Eventually our hope, our love and their science is taken out of it, and a miracle either happens or it doesn't.

I have to put my faith in something greater than myself.

More later with lab results and follicle pictures.

CD 12- Day 9 of Stims

Today was another ultrasound and bloodwork. I admit, I was a bit hesitant to go in, I had an appointment two days ago and felt like Dr. O may have been having a rough day himself, or I felt, he may be treating me differently ever since I gave him my eSET letter the day prior.

I don't think doctors realize how their own moods affect their patients, and how patients may recieve their behavior as an indication of their own success. Last appointment I was by myself, and I felt tension between us two, and this time M went and definitely stated that there was something a little off with Dr.O.

Before beginning the ultrasound I had told Dr. O that everything appeared to be going well, and then asked him to confirm that assessment. He said "Sure, but there is one thing concerning me." He then proceeded to tell me that I didn't have a lot of follicles and that if I didn't have a alot of follicles, then I may not have a lot of embryos, and my 'wish' for a single transfer may be 'very difficult'.

It felt as though he was using scare tactics to push me into a double transfer or more. It felt weird. It didn't feel right. I stared in his eyes, and focused on every twinge on his face, similar to how I do anyone I think is bullshitting me.

The thing that really got me was he hadn't even done the ultrasound yet, and was going based on my ultrasound results from two days ago, which was only 7 days of stims. You can't really give a good assessment of follicles on day 7, thus to say something that bold seemed to be coming from a place that wasn't genuine.

I felt like I was being subjected to the same medical foolishness that women are bullied with at hospitals during labor and birth. The scare tactics and manipulation that is used to further an agenda that has nothing to do with labor and birth, and everything to do with liability and price tags. I looked at my husband and I know we were both thinking the same thing.

He did the ultrasound, and like the past couple times, it was painful. He measured all of the follicles he could see and there had been growth from my previous appointment. He appeared to back pedal a bit and said he found 10-15 follicles total. In the research that I've done and the many IVF stories I've read, I know that 10-15 follicles are normal if not good for the stage I'm in on the stimulation drugs.

Normally he stays and answers questions, shakes our hand and tells us goodbye, the last appointment by myself he didn't stay around at all, pulled out the wand and dashed out, this time around he said "Have a great day" and walked away quickly. I don't know if he is just busy or what, but it certainly feels like to me that he has a problem with us only wanting to put back one embryo.

I got my ultrasound results and there are 14 good looking follicles growing. I have another appointment with him tomorrow and if I sense this same tension, I'm going to call him on it. It's that simple. It feels really crummy to not have your doctor on your side when he's the caregiver.

I'd like to think I'm blowing this out of proportion and perhaps this is a paranoid manifestation of the 50 millions hormones I'm on, but my gut, my gut tells me we're in for some tough decisions in the future.

M and I have only made up our minds about a perfect quality blastocyst, but we've never really decided on how many to trasnfer if all we have is low to good quality embryos.

Sigh. More to consider in less than a week. For now, I've gotta finish school homework.

Estrogen Levels:
Estrogen Level on Suppression Check: 32
Estrogen Level on Day 3 of stims: 80
Estrogen Level on Day 5 of stims: 192
Estrogen Level on Day 7 of stims: 529
Estrogen Level on Day 9 of stims: 1157

CD 10- Day 7 of Stims

Quick update - this morning's ultrasound and bloodwork, again, went well. (I think I'm always in a place of waiting for the other shoe to drop)

I have several measurable follicles bordering between 9 and 14. (I need them to be around 18 -20mm before they can harvest them.)

Estrogen Levels:
Estrogen Level on Suppression Check: 32
Estrogen Level on Day 3 of stims: 80
Estrogen Level on Day 5 of stims: 192
Estrogen Level on Day 7 of stims: 529

I have another appointment on Sunday to come in for an ultrasound and more bloodwork. If all goes well in that appointment, I will take my trigger shot on Monday and my retrieval will be on Wednesday!!! Oh my god!!

This is a picture of what the doctor's look at when they are measuring my follicles.

These are not MY follicles, but these are an example of what I keep seeing when I go to my clinic appointment.


"The eggs develop in fluid filled structures in the ovaries called follicles. Each follicle can be seen and measured by ultrasound and contains one microscopic egg."

CD 9 - Day 6 of Stims - Our Final Decision for an eSET

M and I have been talking about it forever, but we needed to make a final decision on whether or not to transfer only one embryo on transfer date. It's important we figure these things out now rather than on transfer date. We came to the decision and just gave our doctor the below letter. While nervous, I know this is the right decision for us and our family-to-be. While everything could change on transfer date if we don't have a good quality embryo, it is important that our needs and desires are known and agreed upon by all.

-------------------------
Hello Dr. O,

After much consideration and research, M and I have finally come to a conclusion regarding our embryo transfer, and as promised I am writing to inform you that we would like to go ahead and plan for an elective single embryo transfer (eSET). It is not our desire to have twins.

We understand eSET’s are not practiced widely in the United States so with this, we hope we have the support of you and the rest of the doctors in this option. I would appreciate if you could please mark this down in my charts and ensure the team of doctors as well as the embryologists understand this decision.

In my research I have found that 5-day blasts are best for eSET procedures, so we will be hoping and aiming towards a 5- day transfer if we have the quality in our embryos we're looking for. We understand this may not be possible and will ultimately depend on the quality after fertilization, however we want to set expectations that a 5-day transfer of one embryo/blast will be our goal.

Our goal would also be to freeze any remaining good quality embryos that qualify for freezing. We also understand that this isn't always possible, but want to ensure you know that this is our goal as well.

In addition to this, I'd like to tell you what our plans are if this first cycle fails. We understand that eSETs have a lower rate of pregnancy rate than DET or otherwise. This is a risk we are willing to take to prevent a multiple pregnancy. If indeed this cycle fails, we have chosen to do another fresh cycle, as opposed to an FET. We would like to of course, start this process as quickly as possible and understand there is a small waiting period before trying again. If there was the opportunity to change protocols, such as bypassing the BCP phase, this would be optimal. We can discuss further options if we need to cross this bridge, but for now, the take away here is that we will want to immediately go into a FRESH cycle not an FET (although we still want any good candidates to be frozen from the first cycle for children in the future).

We appreciate everyone's support in the next coming weeks, and hope we can make all of this happen successfully. I'm attaching an incredible study done in the UK on eSET just for your own reading pleasure. :) Attachment Here.

To summarize our wishes and decisions:

1. We want an eSET for this IVF cycle and we want to aim for a 5-day transfer.
2. We want to freeze any likely candidates for children in the future.
3. If the first IVF cycle fails, we want to do another Fresh Cycle and as quickly as possible.

Thanks so much and please let us know if you have any questions,
{our names}

CD 8 - Day 5 of Stims

Day 5 and things are changing. I am starting to bloat a bit (I gotta muffin top, ok?) There is more ovarian activity happening inside of me, I can feel it. It's like a bunch of small prickly insects running around in my uterus area. It feels a little full, nothing unmanageable at this point, just tight.

I also have on and off menstrual type cramps, especially in my back and where my ovaries are. I'm very conscious of everything that is occurring on the stimulation medicine. I'm visualizing the follicles growing and growing and forming our future child. I know it sounds silly, but it calms me to be so in touch with the process going on in my body. I don't like unknowns. I like to know all and be in control. Sometimes to my detriment I think.

The weirdest side affect that cropped up when I started the stims is EYE TWITCHING. What the hell. My right eye keeps twitching on and off about every ten minutes. If I sneeze, it twitches, I laugh, it twitches. It's very irritating and officially made it to the side effects list on the right side of my blog. I googled it and found other IVFers talking about eye-twitching as well, so I'm not too worried about it.

I feel like a big negative blob. The people at work and my own lovely husband is tired of me complaining, I can feel it. This only polarizes me more, and I try to fight the feelings of fear, confusion, and sadness by myself. I think it's just really hard for other people to understand what one goes through in this process. And maybe I'm just Wendy Whiner, or maybe it's even a little bit of both. Whatever it is, my emotional state is worn, but overall I have an upbeat outlook and am looking forward to completing this cycle in the next week or so.

Today we went in for another stimulation check appointment and they took my blood and did an ultrasound. He found about 4-6 nicely growing follicles on one side, and 5-7 nicely growing follicles on the other.

I called Nurse S (my favorite nurse of all time) and asked to her explain what all of this means. She said they expect to see at least 1 good follicle on this ultrasound, she said I had at least 2 total, and that I'm progressing very nicely.

My thyroid levels also changed to 1.7, that's awesome from 4.5! woot!

We'll see how it pans out, my next appointment is Friday. M has a different doctor appointment so I'll be going by myself to this one.

My estrogen levels came in from today's check and the results are below:

Estrogen Level on Suppression Check: 32
Estrogen Level on Day 3 of stims: 80
Estrogen Level on Day 5 of stims: 192 (sweet!!)

Next Steps:
Take my last Menopur shot tonight, and start taking two doses of Gonal F
Another Stim check on Friday @ 8:30

CD 7 - Day 4 of Stims

Quick update - it appears the stimulation drugs are working, yay!

Estrogen Level on Suppresion Check: 32
Estrogen Level on Day 3 of stims: 80

This is good news (celebrate small wins, right?) as all they were looking for was an increase in estrogen level. My next "stim check" is tomorrow at 7:45 am. We'll also be looking for an additonal increase in Estrogen in that appointment.

According to this awesome site, "Most doctors will consider any increase in Estrogen a positive sign, but others use a formula of either 100 pg/ml after 4 days of stims, or a doubling in E2 from the level taken on cycle day 3."

So, what the hell does that mean you ask?

It means that tomorrow's appointment - we hope to increase that 80 to at least 100 but even 120 + would be great.

By the time I take my HCG trigger shot (scheduled now for the 28th) my estrogen levels should be soaring. For every mature follicle, it will emit an estrogen level of 200-600 per follicle. They hope to have at least 10-15 follicles, so you do the math.

Ok, I'll do it for you. My estrogen level at time of trigger I suspect should be in the 2,000 - 3,000 range if not more. They say that anything over 5,000 worries them for OHSS so all eyes are on my estrogen levels right now.

Tomorrow is an ultrasound, so they'll be able to tell me how many follicles they see sprouting up. One of those little follicles could be one half of my son or daughter, fun to think about eh??

As far as the stims are concerned, I certainly feel ovarian activity (similar to when a woman ovulates) but no swelling yet. I don't feel big or uncomfortable yet, but I still have about 8 days to go. :D

Next Steps
Bloodwork and Ultrasound tomorrow
Keep taking stimulation drugs!
Mentally prepare for the Egg Retrieval currently scheduled for 1-30 (subject to change)

CD 5 - Day 2 of Stims

Day one of the stimulation drugs went ok. The Gonal F Pen wasn't that bad, the needle a bit bigger, and sharper, maybe a little firmer, and the Menopur wasn't bad either. Three shots a day feels a little heavy though. My stomach is bruised in multiple places. Tomorrow will be day 3 on stims and I have a blood work appointment at 7am in the morning. We will see what my estrogen level is at. I think they want me back Thursday morning as well for more blood work and an ultrasound.

Besides one crying fit today, no real side affects from 2 days of stims except for a couple of twinges in my ovarian area. Small twinges, nothing painful.

I've booked some time off of work, so I'll be able to stay home if I need to starting the week of the 28th - I figure I'll go in the days I have clinic appointments and stay home on the days I don't. It's soooooo important that I'm not stressed out these next couple of weeks.

I will say I secretly look forward to doing my own shots now. The anticipation is much less and I'm proud of myself the way I gently slide in the needle without flinching. M prepares the injection, I shoot it now. It makes for a good partnership.

I'm going to have to pack away my Menopur shot on Tuesday and give it to myself in the school bathroom. (yuck!)

I'm on watch now, the clinic is very interested in how I'm progressing so this next week is all about monitoring the growth of my follicles.

Movies of both stimulation shots to come soon!

CD3 - Suppression Check

Today M and I went to our suppression check appointment and it went well. They first tested my Estrogen levels, wanting it under 60 - it was 32.

He counted follicles on each ovary, 8 to 9 on one, 10-11 on the other. They called me in the afternoon and "cleared" me to begin my stimulation hormones tomorrow. Oh noes! Here comes the puffy ovaries!

My egg retrieval could be as soon as 11 days away. Yikes!!

So I begin 150/Gonal F dose, and 5/Lupron both in the morning - and then 150/Menopur at night. I have a blood work appointment on Monday and they will check to see what the hormones have done to my estrogen level. Then I come back in on Thursday and do more blood work and an ultrasound to measure my follicle growth. And so on and so on until they determine them to be of the perfect size.

Then, I'll take my "trigger shot", which is an injection of the HCG hormone 36 hours before they take out my eggs (so like 9 days?)

They started M on a prescription for Cipro (daaaaang!) I guess because his sperm will be used soon and they want to make sure it's pristine.

Remember how I broke up with my acupuncturist? Well, I took her back, but only for the day of the transfer. She will come in and do a treatment before the transfer, and then after. The purpose is to be as relaxed as possible. Suuuuuper relaxed. Zen. So, I'll try that. At this point, I'll try anything.

I must admit, this whole thing is so scary.

Next Steps
Start daily Gonal F and Menopur injections tomorrow
Reduce Lupron injections to 5 units tomorrow
Monday bloodwork
Thursday US and bloodwork

CD 1 - Lupron Period, eSET Consultation and What The Crazy Hormones Are Doing To Me

It's getting close, I can feel it.

Egg Retrieval is looming over me. In less than two weeks, I will be under conscious sedation getting my eggs sucked out of me. My eggs. My little eggs.

Lupron Period
Today began the official start of what I would perceive to be a menstrual period. The instruction sheet they gave us says "You could experience spotting" but it's more than that, but even more specific were the cramps. I've been aching for at least the last 48 hours with no stop. It's a heavy menstrual cramp, one that doesn't seem to go away with your typical OTC pain relievers. So, now I'm just bearing with it and paying attention to what's happening to my body.

Hormones
I haven't been on the birth control pills since Sunday, and I feel worse actually. It's like the day I stopped the pills, I instantly turned into Queen Bitch, and was snapping at everyone around me. That lasted for about 24 hours and then on came the emotional phase (which I'm still in by the way). I've probably cried like fifteen times in the past 24 hours. It's very much like PMS - an out of control, sort of raging feeling, like no one understands. The crying sessions only last like 15 seconds tops, I wipe my mascara and move on. I suppose this is what it would be like to be crazy. (Did I need more evidence?)

eSET Consultation
We had our consultation with Dr. O today. It was a lovely appointment. We had our questions all printed out and since we sent it to him ahead of the time, he had his copy printed out too. Don't you love Type A behaviors? :D

We walked through the questions we had, and he confirmed pretty much what we already knew from research but it was good to hear it again. He was very honest about statistics and his feelings on eSET were supportive, and he demonstrated the characteristic I respected the MOST at that time, he was realistic. I like it when people tell it to me straight.

There was definitely some ambiguity about how an embryo was "graded", which I'm not too sure what that was about. I've heard the best quality embryos (more likely to survive in the womb) are given a grade of AA, the next grade was AB. or B. or Grade C. So, it's kinda like a school paper, but little tiny pre-humans instead.
I think this is the direction M and I will lean towards but we need to have the final chat about it. I believe I would be willing to transfer two, but only if the embryo quality were not good on either. But then I ask myself 'what is not good'? And the A's and the AB's and BB's and the whatevers start overwhelming me and all I want to do is pick out a little boy or girl baby and place him or her in my womb to chill for a while.

It is funny the lingo IVF'ers use when it comes to transferring embryos. After the transfer, you hope the embryo's "stuck" or "took". You're hoping they implant. There is a common misconception. An embryo needs to bury itself into a part of my womb to create a placenta and an eventual baby. It implants into me. My doctor isn't implanting my embryos, he's transferring them back into my uterus. Like dropping the little guys in there and hoping like hell that they find a nice cool womb couch to hang out on, and snuggle up for a long winter nap.

But in about two weeks, we will be wondering if our embryo "took".

This is all happening so fast. And yet the wait is painful.

Next Steps
Suppression Check on Friday
Saturday - Start 2 daily stimulation injections (Gonal F and Menapur)

CD 17 - Small Update and Next Steps

Cycle Day 17, I can't believe it! It seems to be going quickly!

I just offically took my last birth control pill! Thank god those are done, hopefully that will curb my sore boobs and mood swings. I'm not sure of the specific side effects of Lupron to date, I know I had a wicked strange hot flash the other day, but otherwise nothing stands out.

This wednesday afternoon we have our consultation with Dr. O. We were supposed to have it last Friday but we moved it to Wednesday due to schedules. He must think we're Type A idiots as we typed out all of our questions and emailed it to him ahead of time. :-) Better to be prepared than caught off guard.

Most of all I want to walk out of there with a better sense of how many embryos to transfer, and with an understanding of his opinion on elective single embryo transfer. I'm interested if they have ANY statistics around eSET, so we shall see.

Then! This Friday is another big day. I go into the fertility clinic for my supression check. That's where they will do another ultrasound (this is like 8 or 9 now?) and more blood work, and if everything looks good, this will be the transition from supression into stimulation. This is where I start two new set of injections daily called Menapur and Gonal F, and the purpose of those meds will be to stimulate my follicles to grow big and fat, ripe for the pickin'.

I must admit I'm a little stressed out about the timing of my transfer given it's scheduled as the same day as my last day of this school course. I talked to the teacher but his 'workarounds' for making up missing the last class were more stressful than managing both of them anyway. I've put this as an agenda item on our Dr. O meeting as well. I don't know if they can extend one medication or if it is all truly based on how my ovaries do. Of course this is my priority, but I'd really hate to extend my graduation by another month. I'm so close....

Back to doing what most IVF patients are good at involuntarily: waiting.

CD13 - The First Shot.

Monday was my first IVF injection!

Ooooh, I was so nervous when I woke up Monday morning. Excited at first, then nervous. M forgot about the injections in the morning but I reminded him as he fixed his coffee. He told me to get ready because it would be about five minutes until he was ready and done fixing his coffee.

Oooh goodness!!!!!!! I ran upstairs to look at everything, the needles, the medicine, the instruction sheet, everything was there and waiting for us.

M came in the bathroom and I started talking to the camera, telling the camera about the date and milestone.... but then I asked M to put the camera down quickly because similar to the day when all of my meds arrived, I burst into tears. They were alligator tears, not sad tears, but tears because I was scared, because this was it, because there’s no going back after this, this is a defining moment.

We laid the needle out on the tray, the Lupron out of the box, rearranged the alcohol swabs and gauze pads, I hopped onto the counter and WHAM, I spilled his newly made coffee all over the counters and sinks.

I think M knew that I was nervous so he smiled with a weary grin, and we agreed that he would go remake his coffee, and I would clean up the mess, then we would reconvene back in the bathroom to do the shot.

Which we did, about 10 minutes later. I hopped onto the counter, he came close with the needle, I hopped down. Ok, try again. I hopped back up on the counter, he came toward me with the needle, and then I hopped back down again. Yeah, it was like that – and add in one more hop on and off.

Finally, I moved to a lower seat which psychologically made me feel better, and I closed my eyes and told him to go for it. *pinch* It’s over!!

I was SOOO relieved. I felt like I had just climbed a huge mountain, I felt excited for us and our family because the next milestone was out of the way. We high fived each other and both went on in our days.

I’m so glad that’s over. Sure, I have like fifteen + days more of Lupron, and weeks of Menopur and Gonal F, AND the dreaded IM injections, but it was that first shot that I was dreading and we sailed through it, despite our minor challenges. I feel a stronger trust for M, even stronger than before, the same type of trust you have for a nurse or someone else. Almost blind trust. Like you expect them to know what they’re doing so you just hold your breath, close your eyes and wait.

Alas, the video of my first Lupron shot. Enjoy!




Next Steps:
Stop the birth control pills on Sunday (wahoo!)
Supression Check next Friday January 18
Start the stimulation drugs!!!

CD10 - I broke up with my acupuncturist and other BCP side effects

I broke up with my fertility acupunturist. For the simple reason it was causing more stress than it was relieving. The location of the place I would normally go is a bit of a drive for me, whether from work or home and every appointment resulted in an hour and a half drive back to my house in back to back traffic.

Plus, she forgot to put on the music in my last appointment, and that was one too many irks over the past several weeks, so I wrote them a dear john letter and hope to part ways gracefully.

I'm definitely feeling the impacts of the birth control pills now. My breasts have already grown almost a full cup size, and they are sore, and my mental state seems wavering and a tad out of control, similar to what PMS feels like. I've found myself crying at least a handful of times now, out of the blue, no fair warning, just good ole fashion weeping, but it only lasts about 15 seconds and life seems to continue without incident.

M got to experience two of my crying sessions already and he handled them very well. In seven days, I stop taking the BCP and that will be just fine with me. I'm already currently taking Levothyroxine once in the morning, and Thorne Prenatals three times a day. I also take a low dose aspirin at night with the birth control pills and will continue to do so for a while. I already feel like a walking pharmacy, and I start the Lupron injections tomorrow! I'm thinking of recording it and putting it on You Tube for you all to see. Ha ha, I'm sick!

This week we have our consultation with Dr. O about eSET so we'll see what his feedback is.

In other news I feel incredibly supported all the way around from my husband, to friends, to family, to work people, to my 'online friends' to my IVF community, to the clinic and their staff....it feels like everyone is rooting for us, and that makes me wanna keep going.

More tomorrow after the first Lupron injection.