CD 18 - We're headed to a 5-day transfer!

I'm so excited and happy.

The embryologist called us at 11am like he said he would.

He had good news. He said six of my embryos are still surviving, including the two duds mentioned earlier. (my little duds, don't pick on my duds!)

He graded them as three perfect Grade A Embryos, 2 Grade B embryos and 1 B- or C.

This is incredible news!!! If it had been only ONE good one, we would have had to transfer today. If it were TWO good embryos, we would have to have decided on 1 or 2 and transferred today. If there were THREE good ones, we would have leaned towards a 5 day transfer, but the risk would be greater.

But we have three SUPERIOR embryos, and one GOOD one!! The doctor asked me the same question that I've heard ever since I decided to do my eSET and that is

"Would you rather have one failed cycle or twins?"

The answer has been (although the past 24 hours I've been wishy washy) that I would rather repeat another fresh IVF cycle, then have a twin pregnancy. And in the grand scheme of things, this is the truth. You know how when you go to a pet store and you see that cute little puppy? And there's nothing more in the world that you would rather do than take that little puppy home and love him and cuddle him?

But you know you already have a no pet policy on your rental, or two other dogs to take care of, and you know you really shouldn't do it. But oh wait, that puppy, look how cute it is and how quickly my needs would get met by taking this puppy home!

And I want nothing more than to get pregnant, and I know one day I will be. But it takes painful restraint not to increase my odds to have my needs immediately satisfied despite an overall undesirable long term outcome.

He said that because we're wanting a singleton, that he would recommend stretching these six to Day 5. He said he thought there would at least be one 5-day to transfer, and that yes it's a gamble, but a pretty decent one considering our results today.

So, we're waiting until Monday to see which one of the embryos is the "winner". If the other couple qualify, we can freeze them for future cycles.

It feels so good to have this decision made. Scary, but good. It was SUCH a relief that all four had survived, and that three were graded as "perfect" on Day 3. Thank god!!!

So now, I wait about 48 hours and then there's no turning back. I'm coming home with a belly full of embryo and ain't anyone stopping me!

Sometimes you just have to sit back and laugh at the craziness.

Thank you for all of your love and kind words to all of my family and friends.

Here here to educating and advocating for oneself. It can be difficult, but it's so worth it.


Grow little babies, grow.

CD 18 - Transfer Day?

Oh my, my.

What a life we lead....to give an update from yesterday, our clinic knew we were not satisfied with the information we've been given thus far, and had their embrylogist call us so we can talk apples to apples.

While the discussion was informative, we're still in a place where we don't know what to decide. Dr. W said that sperm aspirated embryos tend not to do as well as ejaculated sperm created embryos. He said that the embryo would be better "housed" in my uterus than in a petri dish.

While I've heard that aspirated sperm doesn't freeze well, and often times has a lower fertilization rate, I've yet to come across anything that says that embryos from aspirated sperm don't often make it as long as embryos from ejaculated sperm.

So, the question is now: Do we transfer today or wait until Monday?

What I've read:
-Day 5 blasts give everyone a better idea on the "surviving/thriving" embryos
-Day 3 embryos placed back into the uterus, aren't really in their 'natural environment' because in a natural cycle, the embryo is still hanging out in the fallopian tubes at Day 3, not a uterus.
-It is possible for NO embryos to reach Day 5, there is controversy around whether or not this is because they would have died anyway, or if they would have done better in a more natural environment.

I unfortuantely (or fortunately) ran across this transcript online: http://www.sharedjourney.com/articles/3vs5.html

With the way this doctor talks, anything less than a 5 day transfer of one embryo and you're basically asking for a failure. Here are a couple of quotes:

"The primary reason embryos do not make it to the blastocyst stage is because they do not possess the necessary genetic instructions for continued growth. No one can change or improve the genetics of an embryo. Assuming the lab is competent (and most are), there is no "risk" associated with continuing to culture the embryos to the blastocyst stage."

"There are numerous reasons for continuing to perform day three transfers: its cheaper, its less work for the lab, lower liability because the lab has the embryos for a shorter period of time, everybody makes it to transfer, if the cycle doesn't result in a pregnancy, the program can still look good, etc. You'll notice I didn't say anything about a day 3 transfer improving your chances of getting pregnant - it doesn't. The reason programs continue to transfer day 3 embryos is because its more convenient for the lab and the docs."

This information conflicts with much of of what I've read, but it does seem to make the most logical sense. I mean if the embryo doesn't implant until Day 5 or 6, then what the hell do they do in there for 2 or 3 days? And how do you know you transferred one of the ones that would have eventually made it to a Day 5 blast?

This is all even more anxiety provoking when you're in the boat with us, and only want one baby. This wouldn't be such a tough decision if we were transferring many, but because we only want one, the decision of 3 day or 5 day is a significant one. My gut tells me 5 day, but if I stretch it out to 5 days and none of them survive, I will have gone through all of this for NOTHING. But does this mean that none of my embryos would have made it to the blast stage anyway? "The point of growing embryos to the blastocyst stage in the laboratory is to deliberately weed out the embryos that do not have the genetic potential for continued growth. The "risk" you speak of doesn't really exist. If they're gonna make it, they do. If they don't, they don't."

There's no data out there that will tell me one way or another.

So here I am, up early in the morning, on what could be my transfer day, and I'm surfing the thousands of websites for any tid bits of information that will give me better information to make this decision.

My clinic is good, but I cannot say they have OUR best interests in minds. Only we do.

At 11am today, the embryologist is calling back to discuss what the status of our remaining six embryos are. He indicated he thinks only 4 will make the cut, and then it's about seeing if we want to transfer one today or stretch it out to Monday.

He also seemed to infer transferring two on Day 3 would be a good idea, but this holds the same >55% twin rate as when I started this journey. I'm just not sure if I do a 3 day transfer, if I should do 1 or 2.

Why am I so scared of twins? Do I really need to have a reason? Why does this have to be beggars can't be choosers?

Another update when the decision has been made for today.

Wish us luck.

CD 17 - Update on the 8 embies

8 - 2 = 6.

Two of our eight embies have passed on.

6 - 2 = 4.

Two of our six embies are about to pass on.

We have four "nicely growing" embryos. This makes things a little tricky, especially when we are wanting to transfer one five day blastocyst as opposed to one or two 3 day embryos.

If we lose another one, or god forbid two, then a 3 day transfer is the only sane way to go, else we risk losing ALL of our embryos and having nothing to transfer.

If all four make it and are in great shape, do we risk bringing all four out to day five? 40% of all embryos make it to Day 5 and if I started with 8 then 40% would be almost 4 making it to day 5 but who the hell really believes statistics when it comes to life. (sigh)

I asked the IVF coordinator what "nicely growing embryos" meant in numbers. Did it mean they had reached 4 cells? 3 cells? 5 cells? I needed more information. I had to remind her that we were hoping to go to day 5 and that I felt we needed more information than we were getting.

The kicker of it all is, the "go or no go" decision is made tomorrow. Over the phone. I told her I didn't think we were prepared to make a decision over the phone and if anything we'd like to see pictures and understand grading of our embryos. I can feel myself being the totally aggressive patient, and my "womanly" ways feels guilty about this, but I know I have to take the reins of my own health and this is one of those times. This is not the moment to surrender.

She said she would call, or have someone call with another update today. It was ambiguous and I was confused. I called my favorite Nurse S and left her a message saying I wanted to talk to her and get some more information about the process that I'm going to experience tomorrow. M wants to join the conference call, so I will 3-way him in, it's just the last thing I want to worry about right now. Edit: They just called back - they're going to have the embryologist call me and talk to me and M. :D



I feel sad that my little embryos are kicking the bucket, I hope at least one stays around long enough to hang out for awhile.

CD 17 - Intramuscular injection (IM) Shots - Progesterone in Oil

So, as an IVFer, you always hear about the dreaded IM shots.

Let me define IM for you. IM stands for Intramuscular Injection. As in, no more baby shots in the stomach, those sub-Q shots that we take advantage of early on in the IVf cycle, these injections go into your muscle. They are an inch and a half long and the entire needle must go into your muscle in order for it to be effective.

Sounds terrifying, doesn't it? Well, I'm hear to debunk some false rumors. They really aren't that bad. Yes, they are a bit more of a pain in the ass than the sub-q shots, but they are basically the same thing, except in your butt, and it takes longer to push the meds through because the ingrediant is Progesterone in Oil (PIO), a thicker substance that takes longer to push all the way out.

You also hear about all of these tricks of the trade, to ice it first, to heat it first, to get Lidocain patches. All of it. Well, I got the Lidocain patches but they aren't that great, so I've resolved myself to ice and that works just fine. You ice the injection site for about two minutes, and you're good to go. Make sure your hubby massages the area for like 30 seconds afterwards to break up the medicine in your muscle. It feels good too, to have the area rubbed.

However, I am here to say, the bitch about the PIO shots, is not the inch and a half needle, it's not the injection, and it's not even the plunging. It's how SORE your butt is afterward. Remember when you were in highschool and you started a sport and for like a full week your body hurt so bad you could barely walk? Or you start working out after a long time of not working out and your calves burn so bad it hurts to walk? It's kind of like that. Each side of my butt is terribly sore, it does hurt to walk, and it feels as though I have an old, persistent charlie horse in each leg. I've been taking hot baths to relieve the soreness but mostly I'm just chalking it up to experiences that I've had like this before.

Like when my brother kneed me in the thigh at Christmas and it hurt for WEEKS! This is less pain than that, I'll keep telling myself that! :-)

I'm calling the clinic today at 2pm with hubby on conference. We're going to ask them to give us a cell count on Day 2 and see if they'll give it to us. I suppose it is going a bit over board to ask how they are progressing on Day 2 but I've learned so much that it will give me better information into the long run.

We're really, really, hoping for a 5 day blastocyst.

Otherwise, my embryo transfer will be tomorrow!!

CD 16 -Grading Embryos

So, it's like my embryos are on American Idol. They're being harshly judged right now and sized up in about 20 different ways.

There are two different grading scales, one for 3 day or earlier embryos, and a grading schedule for 5 day embryos as well. Below is a depiction of this grading, and what type of cell division is expected in these next couple days.

CD 16- Fertilization Report

8 of my eggs fertilized!!!!! We officially have 8 embryos growing! Oh my god!!!

The IVF coordinator called and said she had a "wonderful fertilization report" for us and told me that 8 were successfully fertilized. This is such great news. I really was thinking it would only be around 3-5 but this is better than expected.

They said if I have a 3 day transfer, then I would go in at 1:30pm this Saturday. because I'm having acupuncture done before and after, the acupunturist told me to be there at 12:15pm. I get to take a valium-like substance before I go, to calm the woman as much as possible, and I'm bringing my Ipod. Corny, but I think I'll listen to Enya. Or maybe download some Deep Forest. I'm gonna sit there and visualize the embryo falling gently onto my uterine wall and snuggling deep in my womb.

I asked them what the next steps were, and they said they would call me on Saturday to tell me the results of my embryos, how many had passed on, how many were thriving, how many were still hanging in there. Inside I thought, Saturday??? What the hell? You have my eight kids and you're not gonna tell me what's happening with them for another two days? I think not.

So, I told her I'd like more information on the cell division occuring with each of my embryos. I asked if it was possible for someone to call me tomorrow and let me know how many cells each of them had formed. She seemed surprised, but said yes I could call her tomorrow and she would give me that information. I beamed inside. I'm already being a protective parent, you see??

I'm just so thrilled. M is also happy and called himself a "stud". This sounds just about right to me!

More about cell development in a bit.

CD 15- Egg Retrieval - Conception Day

Wow. What an experience.

My friend E, husband M and I piled into the car and headed to the clinic around 730am. Both of us had neither eaten or had anything to drink since midnight (ok, so m cheated, he had some coffee, but he HAS to have his coffee). I woke up feeling excited, and not really nervous. I woke up feeling invigorated, like I just transitioned into the next stage of this process (well, I did) and that this could really work.

Today I felt like I could climb a mountain. (except for my whole chickeneggweightbelt I was wearing.) M and I wore comfy pajamas (I wore my bear pajamas, rock!!). It was very comfortable.

They took us back and since we were both having procedures done, they said we could room together! It was so nice having him right next to me throughout the whole thing. We dressed in our paper gowns tied at the back, put on our booties and shower cap. We took a bunch of video and generally screwed around laughing. Occasionally we would hold each other, and I shed a couple tears along the way.

All the clinic staff were so nice to us, everyone was just so sweet and helpful and catering to our needs. It was very nice. The needle guy came in and said it was time to hook me up to an IV. That went by without incident, and soon I was receiving fluids. Another nurse came in to get me and M and I said our goodbyes.

The room I walked into was more 'operating room' like, and there was a big monitor with my name and birthdate on the screen. The needle man was obviously hooking up my sedation, and they covered me in warm blankets. A woman came in and asked me to confirm my name, my birthdate, my reason for being here today. I satisfied all of her questions and she left as quickly as she came. Dr. L came in and asked how I was doing. I was thankful he pulled down his mask when he spoke to me. It was much more human. I remember someone asking me where I worked and I told them. Then I remember they asked me what I did. This was the last thing I remember!

All of a sudden, it was my husband in my face asking me if I was ok. When I woke up I had a considerable amount of pain. I was too groggy to communicate this but luckily my husband knows me so well he told them I needed something asap. They put more pain meds into my IV and the pain dulled. I could still feel it, but it wasn't as achy.

I lay dozing for a minute or two and they walked M to his operating room. After about a half an hour or so they wheeled him back in, and I was so happy to see him. All I wanted to do was take care of him and stroke his hair and see how he was doing. Corny, I know. But I didn't want him to feel any pain. He was funny again in his rambling he does while coming back from conscious sedation. He was asking the IV guy about his years of schooling and began rambling incessantly. The nurses chuckled and I smiled, my wonderful husband.

The docs came in and said they went into both testicles and took sperm from both. The right one apparently had more than enough but that was the second one they tapped. So, we're all good on that front.

As far as I'm concerned, they said they found 10 eggs. This is a little disappointing but I'm not gonna let it get me down. I suspect out of those 10, that 5 will be mature and available for fertilization which would give us about 3-5 embryos to play with. Since we're only looking for one *really good one*, we're not as freaked out as we would be if we were looking for two or three good ones. The docs call me tomorrow to let me know how many of my eggs were mature officially and how many of the eggs fertilized.

Just think, M and I have combined our genes and created cell-like creatures that are sitting in petri dishes right now! Us! Our genes! Our children! It sounds macabre, but I like to think of all of those embryos as little souls, even the ones that pass to the other side. Maybe they will come back another time, or in another form, like a favorite pet or something.

Overall, the pain is not bad. It's a little uncomfortable to move around. It definitely feels like something happened in there. I'm spotting, but they said that's normal. Mostly, I'm just so proud of us as a couple, and of me for getting to this stage. After a failed vasectomy reversal, two weeks of birth control, 30 plus days of injections, a month of diagnostic procedures, heartache and hope - we have finally gotten to the stage where others can now take action. This is where science is needed, and M and I step back and observe until it's time to make decisions.

A big thank you to my friend, E who sat in the clinic waiting for us so patiently and drove us to and from. And thank you for pulling over when I had to puke on the way home from the sedation. You kick ass!


To my little embryos out there growing right now - may you produce additional cells and be as strong as your mother and dad.

CD 14- Egg Retrieval Tomorrow

I have school to attend tonight, and then I'll be 100% focused on the rest of this IVF process.

I went in for another blood draw today, my progesterone level definitely felt the impacts of the HCG shot last night, from .5 to 5 today. My estrogen level slightly increased to 1500. I'm a little nervous that my estrogen level isn't as high as it should be, but we'll see.

Tomorrow I start the dreaded IM injections, so we'll see how those go.

I was a little disappointed, the nurse had originally said she'd give me some kick ass pain pills after the ER - but when I talked to her today, she said it she was only going to give Tylenol 3. Apparently, we grew up in different eras, cause Tylenol 3 ain't kick ass in my book. ;-)

I've been on the same IVF cycle as several online buddies via IVFconnections.com and all of them are starting to go through their ERs and stuff, preparing for transfer. It should be interesting to see the results of all of our transfers.

Ok, off to school, I cannot WAIT until this class ends tonight. Then it all becomes real.

Next Steps
Egg Retrieval tomorrow
Sperm Aspiration tomorrow
Fertilization Report on Thursday

CD 13- Day 10 of Stims - Trigger Day!

The clinic just called - it's trigger night! Holy be-jesus, this is it!

Tonight I give myself one last stimulation drug, and one huge dosage of HCG, and wait for egg retrieval on Wednesday!!


Estrogen Levels:

Estrogen Level on Suppression Check: 32
Estrogen Level on Day 3 of stims: 80
Estrogen Level on Day 5 of stims: 192
Estrogen Level on Day 7 of stims: 529
Estrogen Level on Day 9 of stims: 1157
Estrogen Level on Day 10 of stims: 1435

And in other news, here are MY growing follicles. One of these could be half of my daughter or son! :D






Next Steps:
HCG Trigger Shot Today
Blood Work On Tuesday
Egg Retrieval on Wednesday!

CD 13- Day 10 of Stims - Ow, I'm sore

Holy ovulation batman.

I'm a full chicken carrying a bunch of eggs, let me tell you.

Today was the first day of the IVF cycle that I woke really feeling sore. It's kind of like menstrual cramps, but less irritating. There is a fullness that runs up my entire back and circles around my stomach. Kind of like carrying a weightbelt around you or something, but oh wait, let me punch you in the gut first, then put on the weight belt, then that's what it feels like.

They said absolutely no IB profen, and to stick with Tylenol. M and I went to the fertility clinic at 8am (in the snow no less) and we had the vaginal ultrasound first. I was dreading it since my last two were painful. This one showed a screen full of follicles and a nice thick uterine lining. Dr. O said I may trigger tonight or tomorrow night! If tonight, then my egg retrieval will be Wednesday morning, and if tomorrow, then ER is Thursday. That's so soon!

Apparently the ER sucks and hurts, but I'm feeling pretty tough right now, so I'm sure I'll get through it. Just as long as I have the pain pills, the TV and my husband, I'll get through.

Today, Dr. O was good to us. My husband has convinced me he was just having a couple bad days and now things are better. The skeptic in me keeps one eye open, but overall I suppose he could be right. Today Dr. O came in and was jovial, courteous and even offered for us to take all the pictures of my follicles home. I'll make a post of those later. (maybe I should name them? heh.)

Everything is happening in the next couple days and I'm excited! I'm also trying my best to prepare for a failed cycle. I think our chances are really around 35-40% on this cycle. We thought about switching to another fertility clinic if this one fails, and that's still a possiblity.

I'm not the most religious person in the world, (in fact I tend to lend more towards Buddhism than anything) but the phrase "it's in God's hands now" really resonates with me.

Because it's so true. We've done the best we can. And there's not anything more we can do. Eventually our hope, our love and their science is taken out of it, and a miracle either happens or it doesn't.

I have to put my faith in something greater than myself.

More later with lab results and follicle pictures.

CD 12- Day 9 of Stims

Today was another ultrasound and bloodwork. I admit, I was a bit hesitant to go in, I had an appointment two days ago and felt like Dr. O may have been having a rough day himself, or I felt, he may be treating me differently ever since I gave him my eSET letter the day prior.

I don't think doctors realize how their own moods affect their patients, and how patients may recieve their behavior as an indication of their own success. Last appointment I was by myself, and I felt tension between us two, and this time M went and definitely stated that there was something a little off with Dr.O.

Before beginning the ultrasound I had told Dr. O that everything appeared to be going well, and then asked him to confirm that assessment. He said "Sure, but there is one thing concerning me." He then proceeded to tell me that I didn't have a lot of follicles and that if I didn't have a alot of follicles, then I may not have a lot of embryos, and my 'wish' for a single transfer may be 'very difficult'.

It felt as though he was using scare tactics to push me into a double transfer or more. It felt weird. It didn't feel right. I stared in his eyes, and focused on every twinge on his face, similar to how I do anyone I think is bullshitting me.

The thing that really got me was he hadn't even done the ultrasound yet, and was going based on my ultrasound results from two days ago, which was only 7 days of stims. You can't really give a good assessment of follicles on day 7, thus to say something that bold seemed to be coming from a place that wasn't genuine.

I felt like I was being subjected to the same medical foolishness that women are bullied with at hospitals during labor and birth. The scare tactics and manipulation that is used to further an agenda that has nothing to do with labor and birth, and everything to do with liability and price tags. I looked at my husband and I know we were both thinking the same thing.

He did the ultrasound, and like the past couple times, it was painful. He measured all of the follicles he could see and there had been growth from my previous appointment. He appeared to back pedal a bit and said he found 10-15 follicles total. In the research that I've done and the many IVF stories I've read, I know that 10-15 follicles are normal if not good for the stage I'm in on the stimulation drugs.

Normally he stays and answers questions, shakes our hand and tells us goodbye, the last appointment by myself he didn't stay around at all, pulled out the wand and dashed out, this time around he said "Have a great day" and walked away quickly. I don't know if he is just busy or what, but it certainly feels like to me that he has a problem with us only wanting to put back one embryo.

I got my ultrasound results and there are 14 good looking follicles growing. I have another appointment with him tomorrow and if I sense this same tension, I'm going to call him on it. It's that simple. It feels really crummy to not have your doctor on your side when he's the caregiver.

I'd like to think I'm blowing this out of proportion and perhaps this is a paranoid manifestation of the 50 millions hormones I'm on, but my gut, my gut tells me we're in for some tough decisions in the future.

M and I have only made up our minds about a perfect quality blastocyst, but we've never really decided on how many to trasnfer if all we have is low to good quality embryos.

Sigh. More to consider in less than a week. For now, I've gotta finish school homework.

Estrogen Levels:
Estrogen Level on Suppression Check: 32
Estrogen Level on Day 3 of stims: 80
Estrogen Level on Day 5 of stims: 192
Estrogen Level on Day 7 of stims: 529
Estrogen Level on Day 9 of stims: 1157