Last Post! Final Appointment with the clinic.

This is my final post folks, it's been real.

To my IVF sisters out there, it *can* happen, don't give up. I know the process is scary and tough, but it's SO worth it. I hope this blog brings you much information in your times of worry. I know *exactly* how you feel.

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9 Week Ultrasound and last appointment with the IVF clinic.


Man, today has been a good day.

It started with seeing our little Poppy on the big screen again. My, has he grown! Holy jeepers, he looks less like a bowling pin and more like a baby now! We could see his legs and his arms, his head, his tiny butt, everything! We were offically released from the doctor and headed over the midwife.

She was awesome!!! I asked her my questions, and she answered them all, matching everything that I could ever want in a midwife. She was amazing! She had such a calm demeanor about her, she was perfect! We decided on the spot that we wanted her, and proceeded to make our first pre-natal appointment for April 3rd. I'm so happy right now I could just die! But I won't die because I'm so happy!!!!

Here are other pictures from the ultrasound:

8 Weeks Today

Dear Poppy,

Sometimes I just look in the mirror and am SO happy you're in my belly and in our lives now.

I can't wait to hold you and look into your eyes and see your first smile.

6w5d - Poppy's Heartbeat!

Poppy has a heartbeat!

That's right folks, our little creature of wonder surprised us all today. The moment the wand was in, the doc said "yep, there's the heartbeat!!"

"What do you mean!" I said and looked at the screen. Dr. O said it was perfect, beating at 144, the gestational sac and yolk sac were measuring perfect, he was thrilled. HE was thrilled, WE were thrilled!

I burst into tears (wand in me and everything) and the doc took his measurements and a small movie of Poppy's heartbeat. What a sweet heartbeat it is.

Thank you so much for everyone's prayers, good thoughts and well wishes. We couldn't be more happy.

And now onto Poppy's Second Debut. We call this "Flippin' The World Off With My New Arm Buds".

Measuring the Gestational Sac


Yolk Sac and Poppy!! My how you have grown!


Yolk Sac and Poppy, he's totally doing the cabbage patch in this picture


Measuring the heartbeat!!


Doubled in size since last appointment, must be the strong genetics :D

6w4d

I admit it, I'm scared for tomorrow's appointment. I'm scared they still won't be able to find the heartbeat again and Poppy will become less of a Poppy and more of a 'tragedy'. I've been holding my tears today in fears he would feel his mother crying, I've been staring to the sky today asking my grandparents for help, I've been praying to a God I don't know is out there, but doing it because it feels safe and comforting. I'm trying my best to hold on to a faith I feel I've lost in my weakest moments.

I'm scared to do the walk my husband and I have done 100 times before, out of the car, straight through the 40 or so feet of parking lot, down the five steps, turn right, then a left through the double doors, pee in the bathroom, then into the fertility clinic.

It's quite a routine of ours now, we probably have 40 or so videos of us making that trek, tomorrow we'll make another one. Hopefully one of the last we'll have to make....

My husband has been wonderful throughout this entire experience, and has really kept us going in these moments. He's definitely the stronger of the two of us when heartbreak strikes. Me? I like to sit in the shower with the hot water blinding me and zone out. Seems like tears blend in the shower and make everything less real.

I've been trying to keep optimistic these past three days, but I've always been of the 'prepare for the worst' mindset as to not feel Total Disappointment the day of something.

Wish us luck, all.

6w3d - Ultrasound Pics

We had our ultrasound yesterday. It was a confusing day as we didn't see the heartbeat yet, but found out later that it's still too early to start panicking. We have another ultrasound on Monday to confirm the heartbeat as Poppy should have a Crown Rump Length (CRL) of at least 6.41 mm by then (he was only at 3.41 on Friday). They say you should be able to see the heartbeat after a CRL of 5 mm.

And on to better, brighter things, Poppy's first debut!



This is a picture of Poppy from very far away. It's my yolk sac, and Poppy. So small!



This is the gestational sac with Poppy hanging out in there, the yolk sac is measuring perfect if not above average and is inside the gestational sac.



This is Poppy in all his glory. As you can see, he's only 3.41 mm right now. Doc called him my little "bean". Silly him, it's a Poppy!

6w1d

First ultrasound is tomorrow. I'm so nervous. Otherwise, everything has been progressing wonderfully. Some nausea, mostly tired, but anxiously waiting this ultrasound. I'll make sure to update when we come back.

According to the pregnancy calendars, this is what little Poppy looks like:

Looks like me, huh??

5 weeks today - Beta # 3

Let me remind everyone that I've never been pregnant before, therefore any twinge, cramp or ache and I'm freaked out. A couple days ago I started getting this swimmer's cramp type of thing in my side and I convinced myself Poppy had floated to my tubes and I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I scrubbed the internet and was reassured that indeed it was NOT that, an indication would be decreasing HCG levels, bleeding and severe pain. Nope, not that.

But I wasn't convinced. I called the nurse from the fertility clinic, my favorite Nurse S and left a message on her voicemail. Trying to contain myself, I told her I was afraid that something bad was happening and that I had a cramp. In mid-way sentence I burst into tears, and was so embarrassed, I sounded like....well..I sounded like a crazy, hormonal pregnant woman. Even as I was talking, I was feeling silly, but still I wanted confirmation that Poppy was still growing and that his HCG levels were still doubling as they should. I asked for a third beta. Yeah, folks that's right, I asked for a third pregnancy test. *blush*

They said absolutely and agreed to see me Wednesday morning. After scouring the internet once more, I saw that my results should be around above or around 1000-1300 somewhere around there. This would mean the little bean was still swimming around in my momma-womb like he should be and multiplying and growing like a good boy does. (Watch it be a girl!)

So, today we piled into the fertility clinic once more and I had my blood drawn. Of course I was checking the lab resuls online every five minutes or so, and at around 1pm, I hit refresh and there it was "Lab Results = 1". Ooooooh! Everytime I have to click on lab results, I hold my breath, close one eye and click the link. This time when I clicked I was expecting to see something in the one thousands, like 1100, or 1150 or something like that. To my surprise, it was 2341!!!!! WHAT?!!?! Holy crip crap, we either have a very strong little baby growing or could it perhaps be......identical twins? Wouldn't that be ironic, the couple who chooses eSET falls into the 5% and gets identical twins. This level is definitely above average for a single pregnancy in the stage I'm at, but I won't jump to any conclusions just yet.

Next Friday is our first ultrasound at the fertility clinic and I am SO looking forward to it. I hope we get to hear it as well. Maybe we can even take video or something!! I'm not sure if they have a second ultrasound or not, but the end is near with the fertility clinic I can feel it. M and I have decided to bring cookies and a couple of thank you notes to send our goodbyes off in style. They did ultimately give us what we wanted, the first time around. I feel SO blessed from this whole thing.

Otherwise, everything is pretty normal. I feel a lot of uterine activity, sometimes painful twinges, but each time ir reminds me that I have a special little creature inside of me, and the pain is nothing compared to that. It's pain for a purpose, just like child birth.

Once the ultrasound is over, we'll be scheduling an appointment with the homebirth midwife we found. I've got a bunch of questions for her and want to make sure she's the perfect one for us. We'll also ask her if she has reccomendations on a doula and interview her too. This is all becoming so real!!

My mom is coming down in to weeks to scope the area out (we've been trying to convince them to move out here) and we've already made a Babies R' Us date. Yay! M and I admittedly already bought three onesies already, ha ha ha!! The one onesie I love the best is white with a chick breaking out of an egg and on the short it says "Just Hatched!"

How much cuter can you get??

4w4d - 2nd Beta

Back from the doctor with my beta results. Last beta was 200, this beta was 518!!! This is amazing news, the pregnancy is progressing perfectly. I am so, so happy. :-)

Only one more appointment left with the ole fertility clinic and that's to hear/see the heartbeat through transvaginal u/s. That's in two weeks. When all goes well there, it's off to see a midwife for my first prenatal appointment!

*does a dance*

I'm definitely starting to form a bond with this little one. As he slowly moves from a pancake into a worm like state, I feel protective over him and want to shelter him from things like processed food, my dog stepping on my lap, even decaf coffee.

I've only got two pregnancy tests left that test the darkness of the line and I think I'll save that for close to my u/s. By then my HCG levels will be through the roof (in the multi-thousands) so it will only be for peace of mind instead of confirmation. I seriously feel like doing a little dance, *does one more little dance*.

Yes!!!!

*does one more little dance*

One more u/s appointment which I will document here and then I won't be updating this blog anymore. I know, I know, you're heatbroken, but I will keep this blog online so other women and couples can learn, enjoy, and reference back to all of my posts for their own experience.

Next and LAST Step:
Check for Poppy's Heartbeat and say goodbye to the fertility clinic!

4w3d

I feel better from last night. Sorry 'bout the rant, but not really. It's important for me to set my boundaries with people and until now whenever they would give me "first trimester stuff" I've been responding with a "I know, I know". I've since had a long talk with my husband and mom and moving forward I'll be taking a different approach when people say these things to me.

Moving on to other topics, we have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see if Poppy is progressing like he/she should. My last beta was around 200, so we would expect at least a doubling by tomorrow, so I'm shooting for at least 400 or more. A little more worry can drop from my shoulders if indeed it falls around this range. They will also check my progesterone level, and that BETTER be good with all of these damn vaginal suppositories I've been taking three times a day. They are messy, messy, messy! I won't go into the details, but holy cow batman, icky!

Otherwise, still experiencing strong symptoms, like today, I must have slept a total of 10 hours and I haven't even gone to bed yet! Everytime I close my eyes, it feels like I could snooze for a bit, so since it's the weekend, I went for it! I even went and bought a black sleeping mask to drown out the light around me.

Every single woman on my IVF cycle board has gotten positive betas!! It's so nice to have a handful of women to talk to, vent with, and worry with at times. They all are going through exactly the same thing, and know all the worries, fears, and excitement we experience. What would I do without the internet???

Alright, off to go research progesterone levels. :-) More tomorrow after our second beta.

4w2d

Ok, so now I'm here. Now what?

I'll tell you what. I know people love me, I really do. I know people in general really mean well, family, friends, strangers, loved ones, whatever.

But now that I'm offically pregnant, I keep hearing these horror stories about first trimester miscarriages. And the first trimester wait. And "don't tell, don't tell" and all of this stuff. Bless you all, I know you mean well, I really do, but if I hear "don't get your hopes too high" or "cautious optimism" or "only 9 more weeks before you can actually tell someone!", I'm gonna be sick to my stomach(besides my own queasy stomach as of late).

I'm fighting the tears right now, because I know all of this people, ok? I know all of this. I know the little pancake thing growing in my uterus could cave at any moment, ok? I know I could start bleeding and this whole thing could be over. I know that God or Buddha or whomever could take this little miracle away from me as fast as he gave it to us and this is something I am very aware of, ok?

I didn't have pregnancies like you people, I didn't get a choice NOT to tell. You don't go through IVF with friends and family surrounding you and knowing your every step and movement and transfer over an embryo and NOT tell anyone for 3 months, ok? EVERYONE asks. EVERYONE wants to know "How did it go? " "Did it work?" "Pregnant, yet?" "Well?"

I don't get to "hide" it. I don't get to "wait". I dont get to keep it to myself, I don't get to have that private waiting period that you people do. I DON'T GET ANY OF THAT SO PLEASE STOP REMINDING ME THAT THIS EMBRYO INSIDE OF ME COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT OK???

Jesus! Ok, so now I am crying. I know they mean well, I know they don't want me to have to "re-tell" everyone that it died, and "no I'm not pregnant anymore". I get it. I know their hearts are in the best places, but just stop, ok? It took me six months to even get to where I am, it took over 60 injections, $13,000, fifty million doctors appointments and twice as many tears, just let me bask in the magical moment that is OURS.

Let me be a mother to my little folded over pancake, and leave me alone about it. If I could conceieve the natural way, if I could hide my pregnancy for the three month waiting period, I would. But I can't. Unless I chose to tell you nothing about my IVF experience, unless I chose not to involve you in anything intimate happening in my life. If that was the case, yes I could spring on you one day that I was three months pregnant and everything was "safe".

But damn it all, I don't have that option. I don't have that option.

4 Weeks 1 day pregnant!!!!!! (First Beta)

We're pregnant, we're pregnant, we're pregnant!!!!!

We came into the clinic (early no less, can you tell we were excited) and they took us back. My favorite Nurse S came to greet us and everyone was very excited for today. I told them we've been experiencing positives and they were so happy. I had blood drawn and they told us we would hear back between 2pm and 5pm. Shoot, that's a long time!!

So we decided to pass the time, a burger at Denny's and then we would head to the fabric store. I kept my phone on vibrate in my lap and all of a sudden it started vibrating.

I looked down, and boom, it was the clinic's name.

"Oh my god, honey, it's them!!"

I put the clinic on speaker and nurse L said "great news, your beta is at 200!!!"

M and I started screaming and she laughed and congratulated us. She told me to come in for my second (and last) beta on Sunday morning at 8. From there, we will schedule the ultra sound to hear the heartbeat in a couple of weeks. WHEN all goes well there, it's off to the midwife and no more fertility clinic!!

WE'RE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a long, complex journey, how VERY VERY worth it. I'm still in shock and I have this huge kool-aid grin on my face.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

9dp5dt

You thought I caved yesterday? I took three more HPTs today, all different kinds. :-)

The lines are strikingly darker, I'm feeling so positive about tomorrow!!! Our appointment is at 8:30 in the morning and they said they would call me within 4 hours. I've never felt so positive before!!

I can't wait to stop being in this constant period of waiting, and instead start focusing on the things to come. This is the most positive I've been since having started my cycle, and I just *know* I will come back to this blog tomorrow with a big "I'm pregnant, it's official!"

BabyCenter sent me an update today on Poppy:

Your pregnancy: 4 weeks

This week marks the beginning of the embryonic period. From now until ten weeks, all of your baby's organs will begin to develop and some will even begin to function. As a result, this is the time when she'll be most vulnerable to anything that might interfere with her development.

Right now your baby is an embryo the size of a poppy seed, consisting of two layers: the epiblast and the hypoblast, from which all of her organs and body parts will develop.

Imagining a poppy seed growing organs makes me giggle. Stay tuned!!

8dp5dt

Ok, I admit it. I caved and took another HPT.

Still pregnant!!!!!!!



sqqqqqqqqqqqqqquuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

8dp5dt

I didn't test this morning although it was very tempting. I thought to myself "maybe just a digital" and then remembered the trauma of yesterday morning and held out. What a strong will! I realize now that the line wasn't actually lighter yesterday and I feel a little foolish for having such a freak out. On the "cheapie cheapie" tests (which is what I call these kind of tests) the line has progressively turned darker from 5d5pdt to 7dp5dt and the EPT ones looked exactly the same if not yesterday's being a darker line.

I look at yesterday as being a sign to me to STOP the insanity and surrender to the process until Thursday.

Another symptom? My boobs are getting bigger. Now, I'm a small girl to start with so any growth means "big" in my book. Normally before my period, my breasts would swell, but they would always be super tender and tight. This is different. They are tender, but squishy. More fuller around the rims, I can even see shadows in the mirror now. I will enjoy my new found boobs!

Only one full day left besides today and I will find out everything for sure. I just want the band-aid to be ripped off and the truth to be known. Until then, I’ll just keep munching my vegetables, drinking my water, taking my prenatals and being patient.

7dp5dt

Ok, so now I know why IVFers tell you not to pee on a stick (POAS). This morning I woke up and as part of my daily ritual lately, I peed on three sticks. All showed pregnant of course, but I jumped into my analytic work mode.

"Why isn't today's line darker than yesterday's line?"

"Is that thinner? It looks thinner? Do you think I'm losing the pregnancy?"

I burst into tears. Every time I come across something that feels it could threaten this pregnancy, my heart beats loudly in my chest, I feel light headed and there are stars in front of my face. It is a devastation I cannot describe.

Calling my husband into the bathroom to examine the tests, he unfortunately agreed with me, that yes, today's line was a teeny tiny lighter than yesterday's line. I took another test only 5 minutes later (where do I get this extra urine from???) and this test came out much better, much darker than the one I took minutes ago, but still not as perfect and dark as yesterday's line.

Sitting on the bathroom stool, I wept, staring at those bastard tests, wishing all of it would be over already. I'm so dramatic when these things occur. Searching frantically online, I see many people saying "Don't worry about the strength of the line, if there is a second line you are pregnant, period."

It seems like no information is good information, and now the only thing that will make feel better will be to hear my clinic say "Well, we have good news, your beta results came in as XXX".

As long as they say that, I will stop worrying so much that this will be a failed pregnancy. Man, I'd hate to have to be the lady that calls people with that news. Hopefully it will be my favorite Nurse S. who calls me with the news. She could make something bad sound not too bad. But I don't care who calls, just as long as it's good news.

So, my husband and I agreed, no more peeing on sticks. It only serves to drive me absolutely batty and does nothing but make me worry and stress out even more. So as hard as it will be, I will let the next three days go by without even touching those devilish things. They are certainly good for confirming pregnant or not pregnant, but they SUCK when it comes to confirming that HCG levels are rising. I'm still feeling overly cautious. I feel foolish for even saying I'm pregnant until I get the confirmation from the doctor. So for now, little Poppy, you hang in there and keep multiplying and digging in.

I'm really scared folks. If I lost this pregnancy, I'll be crushed. Seriously crushed. Three days have never seemed so far away.

6dp5dt - yaaaaawn

Still pregnant. *grin*

Today's HPT results yielded darker lines (you know, on all 4 of the tests I took, seriously, I'm crazy). One of the biggest symptoms that is happening is I'm SOOOO tired. I started noticing this 3 days ago, but today really took it's toll. After waking up around 8am, I was ready for a nap around 1 and slept for another couple of hours. I feel like I just want to curl up in my bed for hours and stay there for a loooong time.

My beta test is four days away and I have good feelings about it. I'm really thinking this pregnancy is going to stick. (positive thinking, right?)

It's very confusing the way pregnancy is measured, basically by the time you find out your pregnant, you're usually 4 weeks along.

Snipped from a website to describe it:

"A woman's menstrual cycle is on average 28 days long. Using this 28-day average, fertilisation or conception normally occurs at around day 14 or the middle of your cycle (2 weeks after your last period and 2 weeks before your next period). Although (based on an average 28-day cycle) conception is likely to occur on day 14 of your cycle; the start of your pregnancy is actually calculated from the start date of your last menstrual period (LMP), or day 1 of your cycle.

Given this method of calculation, your pregnancy is measured in what is termed gestational weeks, as opposed to being measured from the actual day of conception. Counting from the first day of your LMP, there are 40 gestational weeks of pregnancy. Assuming that you have a 28-day cycle, in gestational weeks 1 and 2, your baby is waiting to be conceived. On day 14,and at the start of gestational week 3, your baby has just been created. By the end of gestational week 3, the actual age of your baby is one week."

So based on this IVF calculator, I am 3 weeks and 4 days along in my pregnancy. If all goes well, my "due date" is around October 22, 2008.

But I won't get too ahead of myself just yet. M and I have both taken off work on Thursday so that we will both go into the doctor's appt and we will both be home to recieve "the call". As with everything so far, we've video taped every step along the way, including the failed vasectomy reversal. When that phone rings, we're turning on the camera, putting the phone on speaker and bracing ourselves. For good or for bad, we want to capture it all.

Again, I have good feelings about this pregnancy and I'm not gonna let it get me down. I certainly won't be broadcasting anything to anyone anytime soon (except to family) but I am ready to be out of the dreaded waiting period. I'm ready to start thinking about the 'normal' things women think about when pregnant, like baby clothes, slings, diapers, creating a nursery....all of that.

I return to work tomorrow and besides this lethargy, I look forward to being distracted and focused on something other than Poppy. *snicker* Oh yeah, because the little blastocyst is the size of a poppy seed, I've decided to call it 'Poppy' for now. (talk about not getting ahead of myself!)

Alright, off to bed early for me. I'm sooooo tired.

5dp5dt

Yeah, that's right folks, it says "Pregnant".

After saying "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god" one hundred and fifteen times, I finally let it sink in.

As part of my morning routine, I sipped my coffee and peed on a stick. I set the stick next to my bed on my night stand and called my mom to help her with some online banking stuff. A couple minutes into the conversation, I glance over at the stick and instead of seeing snow white, I see a small glimmer of a second line.

"Uh, mom. Can you hold on a second?"

I took the stick and went into the bathroom turning on all the lights. Sure enough, a very, very faint second line.

No way, I thought. Somehow, I was able to pee again (by the grace of god, don't ask me how) and this time I used one of those expensive digital tests. I had peed on one of the digital tests 3 days ago to see if my HCG trigger shot was out of my system, and it flashed a big "Not Pregnant" across the screen.

Well, this time? I counted the hour glass blinking, 20 times and a fat "Pregnant" appeared on the screen.

No effin way, I thought!

Running down to show M, he was surprised and yet still cautious and we did our omgs and hugged each other. I still can't believe it yet, just no way.

Since I'm only 5dp5dt, I'm gonna contain my excitement for now. If I wake up tomorrow, and I have another line, I'm not gonna contain my excitement.

Ultimately, my beta test on Thursday will tell me if the pregnancy is viable, so Thursday will be the celebration day if it pans out.

But for now, I'll bask in the glow of newness and keep my fingers crossed.

*screeeeammmm!*

4dp5dt

Not much to report 'round these parts so I'll make it quick.

I caved and took an HPT yesterday and today, both negative. Which, of course is expected, but I am of a weak will and those little pee sticks called my name. "Come to us, pee on us" they said. I obliged. Cause that's the kinda girl I am.

Today I peed on one and jumped into the shower. I knew when I stepped out and looked at it that it would be snow white. When my expectations were met and indeed it was snow white without any hope of a line, I said 'damn' silently to myself and dropped it into the trash. I pushed it deep into the trash, as though somehow it would jinx future tests or something. I also didn't want to see it staring back at me the next time I threw something away.

I asked for this, so I can't get too upset too early. It's about 3 days too early to really get solid results, but I balance not knowing and knowing, and knowing always wins. I suppose if I were a veteran at this if it would be different. I read something really funny (or not so funny really) on an IVF Veteran forum (those who have gone through IVF 4+ times) and a woman said:

"You know you're an IVF veteran when you get your negative beta results while at the liquor store."

Made me chuckle anyway. I'm not holding my belly any longer, and I'm feeling a little more cautious about the whole she-bang. I know a lot of women are of the approach "I'm just gonna say I'm pregnant til proven wrong", well now I'm in the mindset of "I don't know if this is going to work, so I need to prepare for it not to" mindset. I suppose the first days were the honeymoon phase where it's just neat to think that you have a creature in your belly. And the newness of all of that. But now? Now, I'm ready to carry on in life and go back to work, and find some distractions to get my mind of this little guy or girl.

Someone from school pinged me on IM today and said he had a dream about me, that I came to class with a "big ole belly". I love it when people have dreams like that. I believe deeply in the supernatural and flowing energy between people and these things only give me more hope. Even if it's not this cycle, it will be one cycle.

I've got to think of this as a process. This is not a yes or no moment for us. Each cycle is approximately $12,000 and we are blessed to have insurance pay for this first cycle, it will be out of pocket if we do a second cycle, but I'm blessed we will be able to do that as well. Can you tell I'm preparing myself for a failure? I'm protecting my heart, you know.

On the symptoms front, the past two days I have experienced some lethargy. Yawning at the strangest moments, feeling like I need little cat naps here and there, feeling a little spacy. Yesterday I felt some strong cramping and stabbing pains in my uterus, but today not so much. Maybe he implanted yesterday? If so, the HCG hormone would start producing in a couple days.

If I don't get a positive line by Monday, well, then, I think we should hold off on the cause for celebration. I think I'll wait until I get home from work because if it's negative, I'll be a sad girl throughout the day, and my work requires me to be "on" for at least 5-8 hours. I have several meetings already booked for Monday and have been off for two weeks now. I'll definitely wait until I get home.

I am becoming enlightened in this process. I love speaking to other women who are going through the same thing, I love even more to help them, inform them, encourage them, challenge their way of thinking. I love women, period. Such wonderful creatures we are....

My boobs aren't sore, the nausea has tapered down a bit (except last night's spaghetti grew fangs and dared me to eat it), I didn't take the dare and instead nibbled on bread. I'm down to 111 pounds from 117 but I think 6 of those pounds were my eggs. That's a joke.

I "met" this woman Paty online who is going through an IVF cycle, she also has a blog and on that blog is this amazing song that I listen to probably 5 times a day. It really touches me and is often just what I need to release my tears and frustration of the day. It's called "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush and I'll list the lyrics below. It just makes sense. (Thanks, Paty!)

This Woman's Work

Pray God you can cope.
I stand outside this woman's work,
This woman's world.
Ooh, it's hard on the man,
Now his part is over.
Now starts the craft of the father.

I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things I should've said,
That I never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away.

Give me these moments back.
Give them back to me.
Give me that little kiss.
Give me your hand.

I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking

Of all the things we should've said,
That were never said.
All the things we should've done,
That we never did.
All the things that you needed from me.
All the things that you wanted for me.
All the things that I should've given,
But I didn't.

Oh, darling, make it go away.
Just make it go away now.


So much for quick. :-) That's it for tonight.

3dp5dt

Today I woke up feeling strangely normal. I don't know why but this makes me pessimistic. Yesterday, I felt several uterine cramps, was generally uncomfortable but felt 'pregnant'. Today, not so much. :-(

I've been researching the hell out of HCG levels in one's first beta test (beta test is the blood test at the docs) and I found an incredible site that gathers data from other women in the same position.

85% of normal pregnancies will have the HCG level double every 72 hours. The unfortunate thing is depending on which site you go to, you will get different information as far as what your HCG levels "should be".

"Ovulation" is considered the same day as egg retrieval, thus I would be "15 days past ovulation" when I take my beta test on Thursday.

Here are a couple of charts for singleton pregnancies: (click for a bigger picture)





Basically, it looks like I should be aiming for an HCG level of 100-300. This comes with the caveat that this is the standard, not the exception. There have been women who have had low beta numbers and went on to carry successful pregnancies, however oftentimes low beta numbers mean the pregnancy is about to fail.

Today is a non-emotional day. I feel bad for being a Negative Nancy, but I suppose not all days can be sugar-coated. I think I'm starting to protect myself and prepare for a failure.

I'm looking forward to the distraction of taking my final exam today for school. I'm looking forward to thinking of something other than the little creature in my belly.

And damn if I'm not looking forward to some Mexican food tonight!

2dp5dt

Two days past a five day transfer. 2dp5dt - this is the type of lingo IVFers use when describing what stage of the 2ww they are in. 2ww - stands for "two week wait" which really isn't two weeks from the transfer, but rather two weeks from the egg retrieval.

The day coming home from the transfer was surreal. Where I never have before, I was now conscious of anything I was ingesting from pain medication like aleve to food. (Apparently, Tylenol is the only safe thing to take, pregnancy included.)

That day I also stopped the PIO injections and moved on to a progesterone vaginal suppository 3 times a day. Yeah, you heard me three times a day. Apparently, i will continue those suppositories until my 10th week of pregnancy and stop them if our little embryo doesn't "stick".

The problem with supplementing progesterone is it gives you all the same symptoms that you would have if you were pregnant. For example, I have been nauseous as hell since I came home from the transfer. Food smells differently to me, food tastes differently right now, and I have big aversions to food like Krispy Kreme donuts. My wonderful husband brought home KK donuts the day of transfer and I took one bite and had to hold in my vomit.

Ugh. Then last night we went to our favorite pizza place and the ceaser salad tasted way too potent and my slice of pizza seemed to stare at with me a death glare and take me on a roller coaster fifty times. needless to say, I passed the slice to M. (except when we walked out of the pizza place I wanted Mexican food! I wanted chips and cheese, mmmmmm!)

The other kick in the ass (and I promise I'll get to the less negative things in a moment) is from day of transfer until this morning (3 days) I've woken up in the middle of the night with the WORST headache. The kind of headache that makes you crawl to the shower and sit under the hot water for a half an hour. I don't know if I have a crick in my neck, if it's the meds or what, but M promised he'd work on my neck and shoulders tonight to see if I can prevent another one tonight.

Ok, negative shit over. Now it's time to talk about my emotions.

I know it's silly to get my hopes up right now, I know there is a 50% chance our little guy will pass on - but I can't help feeling such a bond with this little creature. I touch my belly and I swear I feel this closeness, even if it is psychological, I feel a closeness and a comfort I cannot describe.

Yesterday I was doing the dishes and staring to the ocean (we live close to the water) and the wind was blowing just right, the birds were flying in the sky, I had Deep Forest's 'Sweet Lullaby' playing on my I-pod - I held my belly, closed my eyes and slowly swayed to the music. I was so happy. So thrilled to be here, so filled with hope.

I'm imagining our son our daughter going with us to the pizza place, or taking him to the zoo, I'm imagining family dinners at the table and breastfeeding my wonderful baby. I'm imagining the amazing grace and pain of childbirth and the miracle that all of this could end up as.

All of this is so overwhelming, that just writing it makes me shed tears. I want this so badly, probably more than anything else in my entire life, and the fact that it is completely out of my control is nervewracking. We only have hope, hope, hope.

From what I can glean, M is a little freaked out. While I'm holding my belly and talking to my 7 day old embryo, M doesn't want to do the same. He is afraid of getting attached to it, and then losing it. I know he is just as excited and happy as I am, but he doesn't want to 'humanize' the embryo yet because he's scared it will go away. I am too, and perhaps I will regret forming a bond so quickly, but I can't help it. It IS a human, it IS our baby, it IS a piece of us. And even if it does pass on, it was still with us for a brief period of time.

I've peed on enough pregnancy tests to now know the HCG hormone is out of my system so any detection of HCG from this point on will be coming from the baby, and not a previous injection. (For you IVFers out there, it left my system on Day 9.)

There is a big debate with IVF women, to pee or not to pee on a stick before your official doctor's pregnancy test. But come on. I'm a type A woman, there is no way I couldn't pee on a stick. That sounds like torture frankly, and plus I think it's important that M and I already know the results before we take the blood test.

And my official pregnancy test date? Valentine’s Day. That's right folks. You heard me right. Valentine's Day. So it's either going to be a very happy one, or a very sad one. We already made reservations for a nice steakhouse no matter the results, and I've taken the day off of work so I wouldn't have to deal with work people after finding out the results, good or bad.

So, on 2-14, I have an appointment at 8:30am and they said they would call me within 4 hours to tell me the results. When an embryo implants itself into a woman's womb, it begins emitting a hormone called HCG. Grocery store pregnancy tests also test for the same thing in a woman's urine, HCG but the amount of HCG usually has to exceed 25 or so for those tests to catch it. The blood test at the doctor's will determine exactly what my HCG levels are. The kicker here is, the embryo could have stuck, produced HCG and then died. The blood test will tell me if my HCG levels are "right on track" or not. If they are, I come in a few days later for another blood test and the levels should be doubling by then. If the levels have doubled appropriately, then I don't go back to the doctor until 7 weeks of pregnancy for my first ultrasound to see the heart beating.

If we make it that far, then that will be the last engagement with the fertility clinic and then it's off to find a midwife for the rest of the pregnancy. But I won't get too ahead of myself, even writing that feels far fetched and unrealistic. Like I don't want to jinx it or something.

As far as a HPT (HPT - home pregnancy test) - I think I can safely test about 7dp5dt. I've seen some women get positives as early as 5dp5dt but I think to be on the safe side, I should wait until at least Monday before testing. I don't know if I will be able to hold out this long, so we will see.

Otherwise I've been eating pineapple as instructed by my acupuncturist (it contains an enzyme bromelain that supposedly assists in implantation) and have generally been off my feet and avoiding stress as much as possible. I go back to work next Monday (working from home the next 3 days) and I'm sorta looking forward to that, to have human engagement again. I'm not looking forward to the questions of "Well, did it work?" and such, but I've decided my answer will be "Just don't know yet".

*deep breath*

M has been so good to me throughout this entire cycle, it's been such a blessing to have him by my side through all of this. So today is another day, and I just may perhaps dance again when I do the dishes in a couple hours.

Because although it may be in vain, maybe one day I can tell our son or daughter how I held them by putting my hand on my belly, looking to the water and just hoped. Hoped. Hoped. Hope. Hoping. Hope.